Someone Listened

A father was arrested for sexually abusing his daughter. She had been abused since age 7 and she is middle school age now. It was the headline for the local news tonight and they did a whole story on child sexual abuse and the statistics and the signs to watch out for.
I was so happy to see the reporting of this incident. I wonder what will happen if some victims see this.
I wonder what would have happened if I had seen something like this on the news.
Would I have reported my father? At the very least, I would have known I was not alone.
There is hope. I sense it. There is hope. With all of the abuse stories coming out lately - Penn State and sports organizations and before this, the Catholic Church, people are now listening. People are paying attention and getting educated.
It is coming out of the dark.
I am so relieved that this girl was listened to and helped. Hopefully she will get therapy, and she will do better than a lot of us who carried our secret into adulthood.
We have a long way to go, but there is hope.
Someone listened.

I saw this video today and wanted to share it with you all. A lot of what Fr. Martin says makes sense. In fact I recognized my father in his description of the narcissist.

Wondering Out Loud

I am wondering ...

how that boy who was sexually molested in the shower room at Penn State about 10 years ago is doing now?

how does he feel seeing the riots and protests at the school over the firing of the football coach who failed to protect him or call the police?

I am wondering ...

why a football coach who is supposed to be dedicated to the care and welfare of children would not worry about this kid who was abused by one of the former coaches and do more about it?

why the assistant who witnessed the abuse did not stop it right then and there? Why did he not rescue that boy? Why did he not call the police?

I am wondering ...

knowing the horrible statistics of child sexual abuse - somewhere between 8 to 20% - and knowing that over 70% of all reported sexual assaults occur to children 17 years old and under,

why is no one rioting on college campuses about THAT?

God Gave me Back My Innocence

I always felt like my father stole my innocence.
But I no longer think that is true.
He stole it, yes.
But God gave it back to me. To Him, I am always his beloved child. Innocent because he made me that way. Innocent as a newborn babe.
Thank you, Lord.

Hang on to Hope

My sister is in the hospital. I ask for prayers. She has physical issues and emotional issues. She is a fighter. We both are. But she has a harder time. And so she needs more help. More prayers. 

Please pray for her to feel better and to hang on to hope. Sometimes that is all we have.

I have not been posting much but I am feeling a bit needy. Vacation has helped a lot. Less stress. But still, a lot going on. Do not want to say much about it now. But just want to put something out there. And let you know I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Sometimes just touching base and saying hello helps.

Grace

"...where sin increased, grace overflowed all the more." (Romans 5:20)

The note in the bible on this verse says that "Paul declares that grace outmatches productivity of more sin." Interesting verse to contemplate.
I was sexually abused by my father for years. That memory blocks out most of any good memories I have of my childhood. But I DO remember my love for God and church at an early age.
We did not talk much about God at home. I remember saying grace before meals and a prayer at bedtime. I remember walking to church by myself on those Sundays when my parents slept late. I remember singing in the youth choir.
I especially remember getting my first bible from our minister at about the age of 7. My love for that bible was such a comfort to me that I still have it over 50 years later.
Did God's grace increase because of the sin in my home? Did God make me more aware of His presence at such a young age, knowing I needed that grace to get through each day? My spiritual director once suggested that this was probably so.
A friend of mine says that when she thinks of grace, she often thinks of rain pouring down from above. Now I think of the same thing. Grace falling down on us like a steady rain.
What a beautiful thought.
Oh Lord, please continue to drench me with your grace.

For Those Who Never Sing

Alas for those who never sing, but die with their music within them. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

I read this quote the other day and my heart broke. Tears came to my eyes as I thought about the music that many of us carry within us and never sing.

I thought of myself and other survivors of child sexual abuse. So many of us never sing. Never.

Child sexual abuse causes a kind of soul death, a slow dying deep inside. I know survivors who have never sung their song. I know their pain and I see it in their faces. I fear that my sister may be one of these people. She suffers too much.

Victims of child sexual abuse have no power. They have a song to sing and no one to listen to them.

Will anyone stand up for the children?

This post inspired by yet another story of yet another bishop who failed to protect his lambs. Check out this US Catholic story.

How Do I Feel Today?

Since I tend to bury my feelings, every once in awhile I need to check out how I am feeling and seeing myself. Feel free to join me. I know I am not alone with this.
How do I feel right now? Angry. I feel angry that by trying to heal, trying to help other survivors by writing my book, I am again victimized by my father with his silence. My stepmother and father do not speak or write or contact me. When will I ever come first to my father? Never, I guess.
In a way I feel free, but I have to say. It is all a puzzle to me. And if I think too much about it, I feel angry.
But I also feel stubborn. I have no intention of letting their silence turn me into feeling like a victim again. Just won't do it.
How do I see myself today? I see myself as OK. I see myself as loved by God.
What do I like about myself today? That I can express my anger. And feel OK about me.
How do I think or hope God sees me today? I hope that God sees me as his daughter who has tried to help others who carry the cross I carry. I hope God is proud of me. In any case, I know He loves me.

Breaking the Secret

I have posted this quote before. I needed to read it again so I am sharing it with you all.

Sue Blume, author of Secret Survivors, writes:

Families often turn against the adult incest survivor who breaks the secret….enormous conflict accompanies this truth and the psyche fights it through attacking its messenger. They are protecting themselves in a more fundamental way. Incest often occurs through the generations. So do secrets, including the secrets we keep from ourselves. …if the “closeness” that she risks losing by telling is a closeness that was bought with her silence, it is built on a lie. She cannot trust it. She may live an illusion of family intimacy, but what she sacrifices for the label of “family” is any sense of trust, security, or honesty…. No perpetrator stops on his own. In breaking the secret, she has, finally, the power to break the chain. pp. 71-74