Friday, January 9, 2009

To Be Loved By God

As an incest survivor, I have often found it remarkable that I am able to love people. I am amazed that I am loved by my husband of 30 years and that I can love him back. I am amazed that I have loved my sons with an undying love since the moment I knew they had been conceived. I broke the cycle of abuse and gave my sons a loving home and a happy childhood. But, how did I know how to love them?
We love because God first loved us. (1 John 4:19)
All those years that I thought I was alone, I was not alone. All those years that I thought I was unloved, I was loved. I didn’t know God, but God knew me. All of my life I have been known. I find that absolutely astounding.

O Lord, you have probed me and you know me. You know when I sit and stand: you understand my thoughts from afar. (Psalm 139:1-2)

4 comments:

Clueless said...

Amen! Despite all that I've been through, I am absolutely amazed that my 12 year marriage is stable and healthy. My therapist who sees my husband every other week to help him support me tells me that we are an amazing couple. I say it is God.

Colleen said...

Thank you for your comment! I feel that same amazement. I agree, it must be God. Blessings!

Morgan Mandel said...

The best thing to do is put the bad things that happened in the past behind you and concentrate on being happy and living a full life.

It sounds like you've been able to do that.

Morgan Mandel
http://morganmandel. blogspot.com
http://www.morganmandel.com
http://twitter.com/morganmandel

Colleen said...

Morgan Mandel,
Thank you for commenting on my blog post. I agree that it is good to put the past behind us, but it is not an easy thing to do, especially for survivors of child sexual abuse. The incest affects every single aspect of my life and therefore, I am confronted by it every single day, in one way or another. You might want to read my post a few before this one: "Forget About It." http://thethirdfloorwindow.blogspot.com/2009/01/just-get-over-it.html.
I think I am at that place where I can say I am putting my past on the shelf. But I also know that at any moment, it can fall off the shelf and hit me in the head. That is what I live with. Writing about it and teaching about it helps a lot because I feel like I am helping others.
And I am so grateful that you and others are interested enough to read and comment. It helps me to feel like I matter and what I say and feel matters.
God bless! - Colleen