Wednesday, February 4, 2009

A Letter

My father wrote me a letter. In it he apologized for abusing me. He really apologized. I think he meant it. I was surprised and thankful. I really think he is sorry for what he did to me. I am not sure he understands the depth of the pain and the damage he caused. But then who does understand?
But something has not changed. He still wants to keep the secret from other family members. I am all about being open now. He is all about being closed up, protecting himself. I guess I understand why he feels that way. But still, the Secret is poison.
So we still live in 2 different worlds. Because I don’t keep secrets any more. I can’t. I won't. I have to speak the Truth.
And so we are at a standstill. Just like before. Only maybe it is not like before. Now I have the gift of knowing that my father wants me to know he is sorry. And that is good.

4 comments:

Leigh Hall said...

Thanks for sharing. It's so tough to be stuck between your truth and his secrecy. I will be praying that you will have the wisdom to know how to address this. Wish I had helpful words... Hugs to you.

Colleen said...

Leigh, Thank you for your kind and affirming words. And thanks for the prayers, too. All of it helps.

Just Be Real said...

Colleen, thank you for sharing this about your father. At least he does not deny that he abused you. Unfortunatly, some of us do not even get that opportunity to hear. Yeah, I agree, I do not believe our abusers have any clue what they do to us and how it will affect us down the line. At the moment, they are only thinking of themselves.

Colleen said...

Just Be Real - I would like my father to put me first just once. Not sure it will happen. But, you are right, at least he has never denied it. That is pretty unusual.
Thanks for your comments and for visiting!