My father has decided to tell my stepmother the truth. Or so he says right now. I am feeling OK about it. Actually, I think I will feel liberated when she knows. Right now I am a bit anxious.
My father also has decided that this will be the end of whatever relationship we have. Interesting, considering we did not have much of one. Makes me angry though. He raped me when I was a little girl and I still send him Christmas cards and birthday cards and I pray for him all the time.
But I tell him that it is time to tell his wife the truth about what he has done, something I have begged him to do for years, and he is disowning me. Makes no sense to me.
Not too long ago he told me that I came first. I knew he didn't really mean it. But still, he said it. Now he is disowning me because I expect him to tell the woman he is supposed to love the truth about everything. To get her out of the dark. To get all of us, including him, out of the dark.
I am pretty sure he does not understand what love really means. Not at all. How sad. But I am still mad.
I was anxious the other day about all of this. Started feeling guilty. Started feeling I was wrong to do this. But I got such support from my blogger friends. And my sister. And my mother. And a counselor acquaintance I contacted. He wrote me such an encouraging email, about how this is my father's doing, not mine. He said it was not my doing, not my guilt.
I hold onto that note from him. I hold onto my family and friends. All of them feel like lifesavers to me right now.
Good thing I know my Abba in heaven is with us. He gives me strength. The friend who wrote me that note? Last thing he wrote was - Remember who your real father is for he will never abuse you.