Sunday, June 21, 2009

Father's Day Part II

My father has decided to tell my stepmother the truth. Or so he says right now. I am feeling OK about it. Actually, I think I will feel liberated when she knows. Right now I am a bit anxious.
My father also has decided that this will be the end of whatever relationship we have. Interesting, considering we did not have much of one. Makes me angry though. He raped me when I was a little girl and I still send him Christmas cards and birthday cards and I pray for him all the time.
But I tell him that it is time to tell his wife the truth about what he has done, something I have begged him to do for years, and he is disowning me. Makes no sense to me.

Not too long ago he told me that I came first. I knew he didn't really mean it. But still, he said it. Now he is disowning me because I expect him to tell the woman he is supposed to love the truth about everything. To get her out of the dark. To get all of us, including him, out of the dark.
I am pretty sure he does not understand what love really means. Not at all. How sad.
But I am still mad.
I was anxious the other day about all of this. Started feeling guilty. Started feeling I was wrong to do this. But I got such support from my blogger friends. And my sister. And my mother. And a counselor acquaintance I contacted. He wrote me such an encouraging email, about how this is my father's doing, not mine. He said it was not my doing, not my guilt.
I hold onto that note from him. I hold onto my family and friends. All of them feel like lifesavers to me right now.
Good thing I know my Abba in heaven is with us. He gives me strength. The friend who wrote me that note? Last thing he wrote was - Remember who your real father is for he will never abuse you.


Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, the guilt that you are feeling isn't yours. It is his shame that he gave to you when you were a child. It took a John Bradshaw book Healing the Shame That Binds You for me to understand the difference between Shame and Guilt.

He has disowned you so that he doesn't have to feel his own shame by having you around as a reminder of what he did. What he will tell your step-mother is his own version of the truth which will probably put his shame back on you. He can't live with his own shame that is why he put it on you to begin with, just so that he can live with himself.

Look at his disowning you as a blessing. You can now work on your issues without the stress of having to create a "normal" father-daughter relationship in your mind. Your mind is the only place that a "normal" relationship can exist because he is not in a recovery program of any kind.

Letting go of that fairy tale is difficult. It was for me. You can survive without the fairy tale. It is another layer of lies---ones we tell ourselves this time. Let your Abba give you all of the love that your Earthly father can't and won't give you.

Lean on Abba and your support group of friends as much as you need to as you go through this.

Colleen said...

Patricia, thank you for your note. It helps me make sense of it all. And you are so right about everything, including the fairy tale. I thought I had given that up. Guess not. But I will need to do that now. And hang onto Abba. Thank you and God bless.

April_optimist said...

Not your fault, not your guilt. Scary, I know, to stand up to your father. Good for you! None of the shame or guilt belongs to you--no matter what he says or does.

Colleen said...

Thank you, so much April. I need to remember that.

VICKI IN AZ said...

An amazing part 2!
You are strong, I am so proud of you!!

Colleen said...

Vicki, thank you so much. I am not feeling very strong right now so it is nice to hear. I will posting something soon. Maybe today. An update.
Thank you for all your visits today!! Really cheered me up!