Father's Day is coming up. It always gives me an anxious, sick feeling inside. I try to concentrate on it being a nice day for my husband, but that sick feeling is there, lying just beneath the surface.
For years I was the dutiful daughter and I would send my father a Father's Day card. It was a painful process because most cards are so sweet and say things like - You were the best father in the whole world!!! I was not being real when I sent my father a card or called him on Father's Day. I was just trying to be the good little girl so my father would love me. Like I had been trying to be my whole life.
One year my husband suggested that I not send dad a card and that I not call him. He asked me what was the worse thing that could happen if I did not call him. Nothing really, I said. I would probably just feel guilty.
And I did feel guilty. And sometimes I still do. Some years, I am good about it and other years, I feel guilty. But I have never gone back to sending him a Father's Day card. I finally got real.
Don't misunderstand me. I have forgiven my father. I send him birthday cards and Christmas cards. I email him and sometimes even call him. But I do not care to celebrate his being my father. It just doesn't work for me. There is nothing to celebrate. There is only a loss to mourn.
On Father's Day I will pray for my father. And for all fathers.
And I will thank the Father of us all, for loving me and being with me always.