It was done. Secret has been told. All family members know now. There is some relief. But I still have a heavy heart. There is something not right here.
In respect for my stepmother's privacy, I am not going to repeat all of our conversations. I am trying to help educate her about the effects of sexual abuse. She is trying to understand and to grasp what she has just learned. She wishes to continue communications. I think she is in a little bit of shock as well.
But (you knew that BUT was coming, didn't you?) she loves my father, feels he is not the same man who abused me, and wants to stay with him. Fine. Her choice.
Dad is annoyed with me over all of this. He wrote me an email that said we were both at fault because our relationship is not very good. We are both the bad guys in this story because we both snipe at each other. We need to ignore the bad things and try to communicate and have a better relationship. And he knows I do not believe him but he really is sorry, he does see me as the victim and he does try to put me first.
Of course, he doesn't put me first. I had to force him to tell my stepmother.
He doesn't see me as the victim, because he gets upset that I am not healing fast enough for him and he keeps giving me excuses as to why he did what he did and he doesn't seem to get it that i do not care why he did what he did I am not responsible for his healing I am only responsible for mine. And if he is going to call me one of the bad guys, than he does not know how to talk to a victim does he?
I do not even know how to answer him. All I know is I am tired of trying to explain to everyone why I feel as I do. And why I cannot have a close relationship with him.
I am ranting and venting and not making sense probably.
This is how I am beginning to see it. He will never get it because he still has not taken full responsibility for what he has done. He refuses to see himself as I see him. He thinks we have this normal father-daughter relationship that has hit a bump in the road and if we just communicated better and both of us tried harder then we would be ok.
I have to be real here and he is not being real.
We do not have a normal father -daughter relationship because of what he did to me and I still see him as the abuser not as my father.
Am I making any sense? I feel like I have been going around and around on this, trying to explain, almost feel like I am trying to defend my own feelings and actions so everyone will learn from them!!!
I am doing all of the work while he sits there and complains.
I am feeling him blaming me. And that is not good. I cannot be blamed for what he caused.
I am tired. I think I need to separate from it for awhile. Separate from him for awhile.
Does this make sense to anyone but me?
She is now in anger stage. Including angry at me for not telling her sooner. I am still glad that she knows.