Sunday, June 28, 2009

No More Secrets

It was done. Secret has been told. All family members know now. There is some relief. But I still have a heavy heart. There is something not right here.
In respect for my stepmother's privacy, I am not going to repeat all of our conversations. I am trying to help educate her about the effects of sexual abuse. She is trying to understand and to grasp what she has just learned. She wishes to continue communications. I think she is in a little bit of shock as well.
But (you knew that BUT was coming, didn't you?) she loves my father, feels he is not the same man who abused me, and wants to stay with him. Fine. Her choice.
Dad is annoyed with me over all of this. He wrote me an email that said we were both at fault because our relationship is not very good. We are both the bad guys in this story because we both snipe at each other. We need to ignore the bad things and try to communicate and have a better relationship. And he knows I do not believe him but he really is sorry, he does see me as the victim and he does try to put me first.
Of course, he doesn't put me first. I had to force him to tell my stepmother.
He doesn't see me as the victim, because he gets upset that I am not healing fast enough for him and he keeps giving me excuses as to why he did what he did and he doesn't seem to get it that i do not care why he did what he did I am not responsible for his healing I am only responsible for mine. And if he is going to call me one of the bad guys, than he does not know how to talk to a victim does he?
I do not even know how to answer him. All I know is I am tired of trying to explain to everyone why I feel as I do. And why I cannot have a close relationship with him.
I am ranting and venting and not making sense probably.
This is how I am beginning to see it. He will never get it because he still has not taken full responsibility for what he has done. He refuses to see himself as I see him. He thinks we have this normal father-daughter relationship that has hit a bump in the road and if we just communicated better and both of us tried harder then we would be ok.
I have to be real here and he is not being real.
We do not have a normal father -daughter relationship because of what he did to me and I still see him as the abuser not as my father.
Am I making any sense? I feel like I have been going around and around on this, trying to explain, almost feel like I am trying to defend my own feelings and actions so everyone will learn from them!!!
I am doing all of the work while he sits there and complains.
I am feeling him blaming me. And that is not good. I cannot be blamed for what he caused.
I am tired. I think I need to separate from it for awhile. Separate from him for awhile.
Does this make sense to anyone but me?
Update:
She is now in anger stage. Including angry at me for not telling her sooner. I am still glad that she knows.

8 comments:

Just Be Real said...

You Are Making Perfect Sense!!!!!!

"He will never get it because he still has not taken full responsibility for what he has done. He refuses to see himself as I see him."

This sums it up perfectly! Until he takes responsibility, he will not get it.

"A few bumps?" He is calling them "bumps." Oh my goodness! I would slap him silly over that one!

My heart goes out to you dear one for accomplishing telling your step-mother! Bravo!!!!

((((Colleen))))

Colleen said...

Just Be Real, actually "bumps" is my way of describing how he is acting and treating this crisis in our lives. He acts like we just need to talk it out. We have been talking it out for more years than I can count.
Thanks for your hugs and support!!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Colleen,
My heart is with you!
I am sorry for your pain.
You are making sense! I am so proud of you for spitting it all out, keep it up.
Your dad makes my stomach turn.
You can trust yourself to make the right decisions with your boundaries, trust your Father in Heaven He will help you.
♥ Vicki

Cindy said...

Full responsibility, that's the point...rather than spreading the blame. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Sometimes we need to separate in order to heal. Be sure to renew and regroup each day! Hugs.

Patricia Singleton said...

The only way that your step-mother can stay with your father is to put the blame on you and be angry with you. She is angry with you because you dared to want to change her life. From her viewpoint, you are telling her that she is a bad person if she stays with your father.

My mother had the same reaction of getting mad at me for going to Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. In her mind, I was telling her she was a bad person because she stayed with my dad instead of divorcing him when I was a child. My parents were divorced for several years by the time that I started getting help and told her about the incest.

None of what your dad or your step-mother does is your fault whether it is their behavior now or in the past. You have to stop trying to take care of their feelings and take care of your own. You will drive yourself crazy otherwise. You are worthy of saving. It sounds like taking a break from them is the best idea right now.

The perpetrator wants you to feel crazy and to feel that it is always your fault. That is what keeps him in control of your life. Don't let him do that. Love and hugs to you and your inner child.

HeartfeltHeartLook said...

Colleen, I haven't experienced what you have. A parent is suppose to protect not abuse. I do know anger. He knows what he did, and he doesn't want to claim it so he projects the "hurry up and get over it" on you because hearing it makes him have to face the demons ever present. You must take care of you. You can not worry about everyone else. Give them over to God our Father. And you rest in God our Father's arms. Ask St. Joseph to help you as he helped Jesus and Mary. Flee with the three of them from harm. They are good company and will shield you with strength of love. Praying for you!

Leigh Hall said...

I could have written this post myself! My entire family has been in denial and trying to brush it under the carpet for more than 25 years.

I haven't been on my blog in a long time (nor have I been on anyone else'), but I posted on mine today right before coming over here. Interesting timing... Even after all these years, I am still processing some of the same feelings today.

Hugs to you! I know the sadness, guilt, confusion, anger and frustration this garbage causes. I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Colleen said...

Thank you all for your visits and comments and hugs and prayers and advice!! Blessings to all!

Vicki, thank you so much for your comments and support. Everyone's support really helps me to know I am ok and not crazy.

Cindy, thank you for your advice and hugs. I need them!! A few of you gave me the same advice and I took notice and I followed it today.

Patricia, thank you so much., Everything you say makes perfect sense to me. Everything. And that helps me see that I did the right thing but time to back off.

Heartfelt, that was so beautiful - about praying to St Joseph. I had never thought about that. I plan to have a good conversation with him tonight. God bless!

Leigh, I call these interesting timings "God-incidences." Guess God knew you needed to come here for your sake and mine. I needed your affirmation!! And your list of feelings are right on. Thank you.