Opening up and telling the secret has taken me a lifetime. I have had to let it go in pieces. One step at a time. One moment at a time. And it seems to me that each time I tell a little more of the secret, a little more of the pain goes away. And a little more healing moves in. It is like storm clouds slowly drifting away and letting the sunlight in.
At every step, God has been there, guiding me. God has loved me through every painful, scary moment, giving me strength. Whispering in my ear what I need to hear. Giving me the words that I need to speak.
Slowly, like a flower opening to the sunshine, I open up to receive the warmth of God’s love. And the warmth heals me. Little by little. Petal by petal. And like a flower, I grow.
But also like a flower, I am fragile. I am vulnerable. I appear strong but I am not. In the wrong hands, in careless hands, I break. I am so afraid. I want to hide. I close up again. I withdraw. I shut out the world. I shut off my feelings.
But child sexual abuse thrives in silence and shame and secrecy. I cannot let it thrive. Something inside of me screams against the silence. Something inside of me screams against the secrecy and the shame.
So, although frightened, I again open up. Little by little. Petal by petal. I want to become the little flower again. I want to become the beautiful child God created me to be. I tell the secret to those who will listen.
I tell the secret. For my healing...and your’s.