Sometimes that old tape in my head starts playing again. That old tape that says - if you were a perfect little girl, he would do not do this to you any more.
Well, that tape was playing last week. I went through a day or two when I was feeling guilty about cutting my father out of my life. I prayed about it and tried playing new tapes to erase those old ones. I even re-read my post on My Choice, My Voice.
I was feeling better when I went out to lunch with a friend. I was telling her about it and she told me something that helped a lot. Something someone had once said to her. So I am passing it on, with her permission.
If you had your hand placed in front of you on a table and someone came at your hand with a big hammer, what would you do? Would you move it?
Pretty simple isn't it? I mean, we would all move our hands, wouldn't we? It would be almost automatic for us, to protect ourselves from getting hurt. And we wouldn't feel guilty about it. Almost seems silly to ask the question.
But when it comes to my abuser, it is not always so simple. The idea of doing what I need to do to protect myself does not come naturally. I have to talk myself into it! I have to remind myself I am worth protecting.
My friend's story about the hammer reminds me that it is a natural thing to do. I will remember it the next time I feel guilty for not letting my abuser around me any more.
And I will move away from what harms me.