Friday, July 3, 2009

A Time to Mourn

There is an appointed time for everything ... A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4)
I haven't posted since my Declaration of Independence because I have not been sure of what to say. I am feeling very tired. I am also very sad, perhaps depressed. I think I am in mourning.

I am mourning the loss of the dream I had that my father might someday act like a real father. So I have to let go of that dream so I can move on from here. I have to let myself mourn. Feel the feelings. Not an easy thing to do.
I can only hold onto Jesus while I go through this. I have to go through the dark to get to the light. I know that. I have been here before. This is familiar territory and then again, it is not.
I never thought I would turn my back on my father, but it is all I can do.

Not trusting my own judgment, I double-checked this decision with everyone I trusted. My husband, my sisters, a therapist, a priest. They all confirmed it. I am doing the right thing.
So now is the time to show myself some compassion. Give myself some TLC. Pray. Cry. Get angry. Go to the beach. Spend time with "real" family and friends. And eat a bag of M&M's. (only one!)
And memorize those words in that note my friend sent me - Remember who your real father is for he will never abuse you.

8 comments:

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, don't let others rush you through this stage. Mourning is how we finally release the past and its grip on our present time. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. During the mourning stage is sometimes when we neglect our physical body and it then gets sick to get our attention. Keep your immunity up with extra care at this time.

Take a detox bath with baking soda, sea salt and epsom salts. Add a little lavendar essential oil if you have it. Just be careful of the slippery tub, if you do. The lavendar sooths your mind while the salts pull toxins out of your body.

April_optimist said...

Dreams die last. I walked away from my parents years ago. I did it not in anger but because it was the only way to protect myself and my children and survive. When my parents died I could grieve for them without regrets for not being there.

I could not make my parents love me, but I could love my children. I could not make my parents protect me, but I could protect my children. And the time came when I could both love and protect myself as well. And that is what you are doing, too.

Big (((((((((((hugs)))))))))).

Colleen said...

Patricia, thank you so much for your advice. I think I myself would like to rush this stage so I am glad you said that. I slept late today. It did me good to let my body and mind rest. And that bath sounds heavenly! God bless.

April, I really needed your words today. Thank you so much. It helps to know you went through this and that it has helped you. I have to keep fighting those feelings of guilt. You know, the "good little girl" syndrome. But, deep down inside, I knew I had to do this to protect me, to love me. And that is really different! Thanks for the hugs too. God bless.

Cindy said...

Until I got to the end of your post I was thinking, "she has ONE REAL Father"...and then I saw that you have a discerning friend. Have a blessed Sunday!

Wanda's Wings said...

I just found your blog and am so impressed with what you are doing to heal. God Bless.

Colleen said...

Cindy, thanks for your visit. Yes, I cling to my Father in heaven. God bless.

Wanda, thank you for your kind words. I am glad you found me!! Please stop by again! God bless.

Cheri said...

Colleen,

Isn't funny how my recent experineces are paralleling yours in a way? I too, just in the last week realized that things are most likely never going to change in my relationship with my parents. I had recently been holding on to a hope where it caused me instead, to get too involved in their lives emotionally. It is one thing to move on and put the past behind, but this is rather hard to do when all parties involved to not truly own up nor even acknowledge all the hurt that was caused. I will always love my parents and show them this love whether or not they truly fully apprecite it. But I also have to really move on, and protect my heart. I have to wipe my tears

This is very difficult what you are going through. You have been through so much, but you are so blessed to have the loving people around you that you do. It is true though that the parental/child relationship runs so deep.

This too shall pass....and the amount of peace you will have in future days for confronting the truth will increase over the pain I'm sure..

God bless you

Colleen said...

Cheri, thank you for your comforting words. Letting go of that hope for a better relationship is difficult and painful. But you are right in saying you need to protect your heart. And yes, I think the peace will increase over the pain as time passes. I hope it will for you too. We are not alone are we? God bless and Hugs.