Sometimes I am afraid. Fear can sneak up on me when I least expect it. I can stand up in front of a roomful of people and give a talk on my life as an incest survivor. I can write a book about that life. But then I feel it in the pit of my stomach.That sickish feeling.I am afraid.
And so I pray. Because the bible says that "Perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18) and for me, there is only one place to find that perfect love. And it helps.Thank you, God.
So I was thinking, what are some of my fears?
Fear that people will not like me.
Fear of not being perfect.
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of my pain being minimized.
These fears all seem to be similar ones, having to do with my self esteem. Am I good enough? Will people like me? Am I loved?
Maureen Brady's book, Daybreak, Meditations for Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse, on one of her meditations on fear, says that she heard a survivor say once - "My incest is bothering me today."
I think that is what happens to me. My incest starts bothering me. And when I realize that, I often start feeling better. Once I know where the fear is coming from, and I know I am not alone, and my fears are not discounted or tossed away like I don't matter, then I feel better. And I wonder what the big deal was in the first place.
It is like I am on a roller coaster ride. One minute I am writing a post like - Just Try to Shut Us Up - and then the next time I am writing about fear.And so I am wondering, do you ever feel this fear? Do you ride a "roller coaster" too?