Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Feeling Afraid

Sometimes I am afraid. Fear can sneak up on me when I least expect it. I can stand up in front of a roomful of people and give a talk on my life as an incest survivor. I can write a book about that life. But then I feel it in the pit of my stomach.That sickish feeling.I am afraid.
And so I pray. Because the bible says that "Perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18) and for me, there is only one place to find that perfect love. And it helps.Thank you, God. 
So I was thinking, what are some of my fears?
Fear that people will not like me.
Fear of not being perfect.
Fear of not being good enough.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of my pain being minimized.
These fears all seem to be similar ones, having to do with my self esteem. Am I good enough? Will people like me? Am I loved?
Maureen Brady's book, Daybreak, Meditations for Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse, on one of her meditations on fear, says that she heard a survivor say once - "My incest is bothering me today." 
I think that is what happens to me. My incest starts bothering me. And when I realize that, I often start feeling better. Once I know where the fear is coming from, and I know I am not alone, and my fears are not discounted or tossed away like I don't matter, then I feel better. And I wonder what the big deal was in the first place.
It is like I am on a roller coaster ride. One minute I am writing a post like - Just Try to Shut Us Up - and then the next time I am writing about fear. 
And so I am wondering, do you ever feel this fear? Do you ride a "roller coaster" too?

13 comments:

Paula said...

I am so glad I have found your blog. Thanks for being out there. Like you I am a survivor and therapy 20years ago wasnt that helpful, now I am waitin for my intense trauma therapy which is supposed to start begin of November. I wish you well - and today my abuse is bothering me too. Love to you.

Just Be Real said...

Oh my goodness girl, do I ever feel this way. It feels like I have a 'one way' rollercoaster ticket that never ends. Up and down up and down. That is all part of our journey, until the end. Until Christ's coming. Sure, it can and will get easier, but I believe we will always have our ups and downs of fears.

Dear one, you are NOT alone in this! You are brave, but you are human too.

Much appreciate this post! Thank you!

((((Colleen))))

Colleen said...

Paula, I am glad you found me too! It helps to know we are not alone. I wish you well, too, with your upcoming therapy. And I hope your abuse is not bothering you tomorrow. Hugs.

JBR, I believe that courage does not mean "no fear", it means being afraid and going ahead anyway. That is what many of us survivors do lots of times, don't we? I like how you said you have a one way roller coaster ticket. God bless!

Cindy said...

Oh honey! I'm all about fear. But, God did not give me a spirit of fear...or something like that. Thank GOD for Al Anon and recovery....I'm so lifted up by other's strenth, experience and hope SO...I am then filled with hope and have faith....so, less FEAR. And, it helps to remind myself that God is God...Cindy is not God. Great Post! Thank you!

Colleen said...

Cindy, thank you! And your comment is excellent, too. So true how we can give each other courage. And remembering who is in charge helps too! God bless.

Lisa Marie said...

Yes. The fear is there all the time. The only difference is I let myself be OK with it sometimes, and condemn myself others. It's such a hard battle.

Colleen said...

Lisa Marie, yes, it is such a hard battle. I pray that there comes a time, soon, when you do not have that fear all the time. And I understand about the condemning part too. I do that too. Thanks for sharing. Hugs.

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, thanks for writing this article. No, you are definitely not the only one to feel this way about fear. My husband and I got home last night around midnite from our 10 day vacation to visit our daughter and her family. The vacation was wonderful except for one late night of driving. Even that was good until the fear set in and I yelled at my husband because his fast driving was scaring me.

He wasn't driving recklessly or any faster than he had all day. At night when I can't see as well, I sometimes let fear get the best of me. The little girl fears of the night hit suddenly and hit hard. I got scared and I yelled at my husband that it was not ok to scare me with his driving and it was not ok to make me cry.

He didn't make me cry. I chose to cry. I didn't talk to him much for the rest of the night. I cried silently because I still have a fear of crying out loud.

The next day, I told him that I got scared and that I cried for an hour while he drove. I told him that the tears were part temper and part sadness over leaving our daughter and grandchildren behind when we started our trip home.

As hard as I have worked on myself, I still sometimes get scared and overwhelmed by the feelings.

Rhonda said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I am glad that I found yours. This post was very powerful and stated every fear I basically have! Hugs!

Marj aka Thriver said...

Hey, I like your new layout. Very nice. Yes, I am also on a roller coaster and the fear comes up and bites me in the butt when I least expect it.

I have that meditations book. I used to look at some form of meditations book daily. I'll have to dig that one out.

Colleen said...

Patricia, Oh, I can so relate to what you just wrote. I often cry like that - silently and after yelling at my husband!! I too get scared of my feelings. Thanks for sharing that.

Rhonda, I am glad you found me too and that you liked this post. We are not alone. Hugs back.

Marj, glad you like my blog. I am thinking of changing it again. I get bored!! I have had that meditations book for years. Every once in awhile I pull it out and read some of it again. It is a good one.

sarah said...

wow Colleen, I feel exactly like this. You said it so well. It does feel like a rollar coaster ride and I don't always get how one minute I can feel so good, the next not. Sarah

Colleen said...

Sarah, I don't always get it either! But so many of us do it, I guess we are not alone. I added you to my blog list on the sidebar. I am so slow with stuff like that. Blessings.