I feel a little seed of fear sitting in the pit of my stomach. It started yesterday. At first I didn't know why, but after thinking about it for awhile, I know.
I have a speaking engagement Friday. About my book and the incest.
I am not afraid of speaking in public. I have spoken about the incest before. I have told my story. I have told my story many times. Then why the fear?
This time I am afraid of rejection. It is like the roller coaster ride I posted about before. Evidently "my incest is bothering me." And on top of that I am angry.
I am angry that I am afraid of rejection. I am angry at myself. All the times I have spoken about the incest, I have never experienced actual rejection. So why be afraid?
So I do not think I should be afraid. Ah, that word "should." Not a good word in this context. I am judging myself rather than accepting that I am afraid and I am angry. I need to learn self-acceptance.
Acceptance of where I am on the healing journey. Acceptance that I am not totally healed yet. And the realization that I am aware. I am aware of where I am on this journey and I am aware of what I am feeling. And that is a good thing.