Tuesday, September 22, 2009


I feel a little seed of fear sitting in the pit of my stomach. It started yesterday. At first I didn't know why, but after thinking about it for awhile, I know.
I have a speaking engagement Friday. About my book and the incest.
I am not afraid of speaking in public. I have spoken about the incest before. I have told my story. I have told my story many times. Then why the fear?
This time I am afraid of rejection. It is like the roller coaster ride I posted about before. Evidently "my incest is bothering me." And on top of that I am angry.
I am angry that I am afraid of rejection. I am angry at myself. All the times I have spoken about the incest, I have never experienced actual rejection. So why be afraid?
So I do not think I should be afraid. Ah, that word "should." Not a good word in this context. I am judging myself rather than accepting that I am afraid and I am angry. I need to learn self-acceptance.
Acceptance of where I am on the healing journey. Acceptance that I am not totally healed yet. And the realization that I am aware. I am aware of where I am on this journey and I am aware of what I am feeling. And that is a good thing.
I think.


Elizabeth Mahlou said...

I think your emotions are perfectly normal, and, unfortunately, there is a segment of the population that won't accept. That is their problem, not yours. As you say, the important thing is self-acceptance. Good luck on your engagements. Blessings, Beth

Wanda's Wings said...

I have only spoke public about my abuse two times. I was scared to death. I think you are doing a wonderful job. You have gotten the word out in a book! I could only dream of such. Be Kind to Yourself. You are still Healing,

Just Be Real said...

Dear one I am sorry that you are fearing rejection. I know I struggle with this also big-time. I will ask that God protect your mind/thoughts when you do speak on Friday of the fear of this "lie."

You are special! You are worthy! And you are appreciated!

Thank you for being who you are Colleen! Blessings dear one.

Colleen said...

Beth, thank you for reminding me it is not my problem. Blessings to you too.

Wanda, you are right. I do need to remember to be kind to myself. Thanks and blessings.

JBR, thank you for your prayers and your encouraging words! Blessings.

sarah said...

your honesty, your being real helps me in my journey so much. Hang in there Colleen. Your words, your outreach is powerful. I'm praying for you ok. Sarah

HeartfeltHeartLook said...

My dear Colleen,

You have so much to offer...so much hope for others. Fear and love cannot exist side by side. When you fear rejection, remember Our Lord was rejected. He will stand with you. He is standing with you. When you walk into the room, He is walking with you. His wounded heart is beating with a fierce love for you. When you stand to speak, He is standing behind you to watch over you as His Spirit whispers words of encouragement and comfort. When someone's heart is touched by your story, Our Risen Lord radiates through you. Be not afraid ~ He goes before you always!

Much love!

Colleen said...

heartfelt, what wonderful encouragement you are giving me! Thank you. I will remember what you said. God bless.

Colleen said...

Sarah, thank you for praying for me. And I am glad to know that I have been of help to you. That helps me a lot!

Patricia Singleton said...

Self-acceptance opens the door so that self-love can come in next. Learning to love yourself is the real beginning of healing.

Anonymous said...

You are a survivor , people you don't even know about love you. You are not alone. Those who don't accept are no different than those who will accept you, only their experiences...so don't be afraid of them, as they shouldn't be afraid of you and what you went through. There is no control over destiny and what happens in our overall lives. Be proud and appreciative of yourself for helping so many people and generations to come. Don't be nervous ever again because you are already accepted and needed in the world.

Colleen said...

Anonymous, thank you so much for your kind supportive remarks. It is good to know I am accepted and needed. Blessings.

Patricia, ahhh, learning to love myself. That is a tough one. I guess if I really loved myself I would not fear rejection so much. But I AM learning. One baby step at a time. Bless you for your support and continued encouragement.