Listen to us when we need to talk.
Remind us that the abuse was not our fault.
Remind us that we are people of worth, just for being who we are. Tell us that we do not need to be perfect.
Give us unconditional love and/or acceptance.
Give us space when we need it.
Do not say you know how we feel. Do not tell us that we should not feel angry or sad. Allow us to to express our feelings and do not judge us.
Do not tell us that we need to forgive and forget. We will do that in our own time and in our own way.
Do not ask why we did not tell anyone sooner.
Do not minimize our experience or our pain in any way. Do not compare our experience to others. Chances are we probably already do this ourselves, and to know others do this is extremely detrimental.
Do not use the word "just". Just this or just that makes it feel like you are undermining our pain.
Do not use the word "just". Just this or just that makes it feel like you are undermining our pain.
Help us to be gentle with ourselves.
Thank us for sharing our story with you.
Acknowledge how courageous we are being in sharing our stuff.
If our issues make you uncomfortable, maybe you need to look at your own childhood and see what is there - where the discomfort is coming from. Don't try to shut us up because of your discomfort.
Do not say "If that happened to me, then I would..." No one knows what they would have done.
**Contributions were made (and are being made) to this list by myself and other survivors. Some made comments and you can read them on the original post.
If any survivors have anything to add to this list, please let me know. This is an ongoing list to help others help us! It gives us a voice.
Do not say "If that happened to me, then I would..." No one knows what they would have done.
**Contributions were made (and are being made) to this list by myself and other survivors. Some made comments and you can read them on the original post.
If any survivors have anything to add to this list, please let me know. This is an ongoing list to help others help us! It gives us a voice.
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14 comments:
Colleen, this post is very powerful. Believe it or not the one thing that stands out for me is, the "Thank us for sharing our story with you."
Blessings dear one!
JBR, thank you. Yes, that is a great addition to the list. When we share our stories with someone, I think we make ourselves feel very vulnerable and afraid. At least, that is how I feel.
I meant to add to that post that the list came up from other people not just me, so will do it now. Thanks for your comment!
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with ours is one of the greatest gifts that we can give them or ourselves. Being vulnerable allows authenticity to happen. Thanks for sharing this list with our online world.
Patricia, I love your words on vulnerability. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable may be the place where we are as "real" as we can be. Or authentic as you said. Scary but precious too. Thanks for your words and your contributions to the list.
What a great post! I also love your collage in the next post.
April, I am glad you like it and the collage too! Very healing, both posts! If you have anything to add to this list at any time, just let me know.
What a wonderful compilation of survivor needs and helpful tips you have building here and in the previous post. Excellent! Thanks for allowing us to use this for The Blog Carnival. I so appreciate your work and your words.
Marj, thank you. It was amazing how this list worked out. I appreciate your kind words and all you do and write to support other survivors.
I would add do not say "If that happened to me then I would..." No one knows what they would have done.
Michael, Thank you! Good suggestion. I will add it to the list. Thanks for your visit.
This list is powerful and true. Thanks for sharing it!
beautiful dreamer - you are most welcome. I agree. I put link on my sidebar so people can easily go back to the list. I know I will reread it from time to time.
This is powerful. thank you for sharing. People cant know what it's like unless they've been there... the whole "get over it" idea is one of the most hurtful things that someone can say because it brings more shame - more sense that we are somehow to blame.
Shen, thank you so much for your comment. I totally agree with what you said. That "get over it" comment was so painful for me during the clergy sexual abuse crisis. I felt just like what you described. It is what motivated me to write my book. I felt like I needed to teach the world!
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