Thursday, October 29, 2009

Their Loss

I worry too much. I worry about people liking me. I worry about people being mad at me.I can not stand the thought that someone does not like me.
I find myself thinking more about my father and stepmother. It drives me crazy that they are mad at ME!! It is not so much that we are not speaking. I had already made up my mind that I had to separate myself from him in order to be OK.
I just find it unbelievable that I am the bad guy in all of this. So unreal, isn't it? And why do I care?
And why are they not talking to me? I can only think that it is because I wanted my stepmother to know the truth. And because I wrote the book.
My father always thinks everything is all about him. The book was not about him. It was about me. Me and my journey. I did not write it to hurt him or for revenge or any of that.
I wrote it for me and for my sister and for other survivors and those who love us.
That is what I have to do. Concern myself with those who love me.
As for those who do not love me, or do not care, or are mad, well ...
Their loss.

14 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Hard as it may be, but yes, you need to focus on the love from the ones that do care. Since I read your book, I have a better grasp to what you went through and understand your pain of rejection even more.

((((Colleen)))) ♥

Colleen said...

JBR, thank you for your support and friendship. And for reading my book. And yes, you are right, it is the pain of rejection that I feel. Hugs to you too!

Patricia Singleton said...

You are not the "bad" person here, just because your father and stepmother are mad at you and not speaking to you. Your father is the abuser and your stepmother is in denial by refusing to accept what he did. They are the dysfunctional ones, not you.

With your book and with this blog, you are helping survivors who may not be able to speak for themselves yet. Being courageous and giving value to yourself and your journey does not make you "bad".

Don't believe the abusers who want you to believe that and keep you silent. You have given their shame back to them. You don't have to accept the pain of rejection which is what the abusers want you to do to keep you quiet.

Colleen said...

Patricia, I know truth when I hear it and you spoke the truth loud and clear to me. Thank you. I needed that.

VICKI IN AZ said...

I agree with your words!! I know how you feel. I am with you in your strength. You are enough my friend. God knows the truth.

I can't help but wonder if sometimes this particular struggle intensifies for us at this time of year. There are many holidays which will be "different" this year. Go back read those beautiful words you wrote about your son's wedding and the freedom you felt. Remember Colleen! Remember what God wants for you! You are worth it. Remember what a strength you are for us!! I want you to know it strengthens me when I am feeling the feeling you have written about here, to think of you and Know I am not Alone!!

It is Their LOSS!

xoxo

Colleen said...

Vicki, Oh you are just awesome. Thank you so much. Your words are giving me strength. How wonderful that we can help each other like this. Good idea to tell me to read what I wrote before about my feelings of freedom. I will do that. Blessings!

Paula said...

Dear One, I agree very much with Patricia. I was the bad kid, the bad teenager and then the bad adult. This bad thing hold me back, turned me in a avid people pleaser often unable to face problems. Day by day, painfully slow I learned it was NOT me. Even today I sometimes struggle. Their denial is their problem, you have had enough pelase dont make their problem to your. You deserve love and laughter, appreciated for what you are and not for what you shall appear to be to some people! Love from Germany

Colleen said...

Paula, I know what you are saying. So true for me too, thinking I am the bad one. But it is THEIR problem. I cannot accept it as mine. Neither can you. But we keep struggling with it, even though our head says, NO. It is not my fault. Thank you for your supportive and affirming words. You too deserve love and laughter. We all do. Hugs!

rox said...

Colleen it is so hard at times , we are intelligent people , we know we are not to beleive our abusers , we know we are in no way at fault but in healing journey knowing and truely believing are two seperate issues. It is so very hard when we then become isolated by the people who are supposed to be loving to us , to give us real love . Yet they are sick people they will not know nor be able to give real love , possibly never . It hurts me so much to see children who have stood up to speak the truth and then yet thrown away by thier families . I'm praying for that young man 16yo who I wrote about . He now feels he is the bad one in his family for speaking Truth . He takes drugs etc. to deal with it .
Colleen your father is sick , like mine and for your step mum she lived with this man all this time , she will be having terrible guilt inside of her . It is the easy way to be mad at you . To blame you , in order to not accept thier roles in the cycle.
I pray your dad will get help , I pray your step mum will wish to support you & possibly have the thought what other children he may have abused . how she can help her family heal etc.
Colleen remember your true Mother & Father and all those of us who are also in Your family , Your real family need not be of bloodline , mine isn't .
I'm sorry Colleen I know it is gonna feel awful for you at times. It is hard to see people we care for in pain . Your pain will lift and you are going to be ok and feel better . Hang in there . May His light shine on You brightly today ~ Amen

Colleen said...

Rox, bless you. I know what you are saying is true. And I will re-read all of these comments because they really do help. God bless.

April_optimist said...

It IS their loss. A book by Patricia Evans (I wish I could remember the title!) helped me. In it she talks about the bubble concept--people who live in kind of an emotional bubble and must believe good things about themselves because deep down they're terrified they are horrible people. Anyway, once I read that, I GOT it. I got why my parents would never be able or willing to acknowledge the abuse. It became a whole lot easier to let it go when someone decided I had to be the bad guy in a situation where I knew I wasn't. It's hard. (((((Hugs))))))

Colleen said...

Thank you so much, April. That makes a lot of sense. Hugs and blessings.

Wanda's Wings said...

Rejection pain is the worst kind. You are a good person and that is what is important. Hold on to the love of those that care. hugs my friend.

Colleen said...

Wanda, everyone has had such good comments for me on this post - very caring and encouraging and wise .. Your comment that rejection is the worst kind of pain - well, you may be right because it seems to be the hardest to get over..Thank you so much .. and I WILL hold onto the love of those who care ...