Saturday, October 10, 2009

Walls Around My Little World

I put up many walls over the years since the sexual abuse started. Of course I was not aware of doing that. But now I know about them. I know I did it to protect myself. Many of us survivors have done that.
It feels safer to have those walls. I still have many of them. I can keep my fragile feelings and thoughts within me, and I can keep other people out. Those I do not trust. For me that means most people.
A wonderful nun I once knew said, when leading a retreat, that people who have been abused often create their own little worlds and crown themselves king or queen. They want to feel in control of that little world. They want to decide who to let in. They want to feel safe.
That sounds like me.
As I started the healing process, I knew the walls had to come down if I was going to truly heal. At least some of them. I began to dismantle them one brick at a time. Sometimes I put them right back up again.Tearing down walls is a painful and scary process. Letting people inside is scary.
When I started letting Jesus into my heart, when I let Him knock down a few walls, it helped. I was not alone then. And He is always so gentle. He never forces me.
And He has led me to other help along the way. I have needed other survivors, a support group, a therapist, a spiritual director and my best friend of 50 years. And there is my husband, who understands me more than most.
It is funny that I need people to help me tear down the walls that were meant to keep people and the rest of the world out. In fact, I am noticing that my little world is starting to get a little crowded.
Now how did that happen?
image source


Just Be Real said...

I guess the more you trust Colleen, the more people you have 'back' in your life. That is why it is a bit more crowded for you.

Love your post! It is so very true! Blessings to you dear one!

Just Be Real said...

I purchased your book this morning through Barnes and Noble. Looking forward to its arrival and reading.


Colleen said...

JBR, glad you like this post. Yes, trusting more allows more people into my life. Gets scary though.
Thanks for buying my book. Hope you find it helpful and hopeful. God bless.

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, taking the bricks away one brick at a time teaches trust in small amounts that you can learn to handle. I have put myself into situations recently where I am again having to start to trust new people. The circle of trust is constantly growing.

At the same time that you are learning to trust, you learn that not everybody is trustworthy. Listen to your gut and it will tell you who to trust and who to not trust.

I am so proud of you and the work that you are doing. One brick at a time is enough.

Colleen said...

Patricia, thank you so much! You are so right about that circle of trust. I am proud of you, too, learning to trust new people. Taking one step at a time is good.

April_optimist said...

Oh, yes, I can identify with this! I love that you've been taking down your wall. Have you heard the Martina McBride song Learning to Fall? It's about tearing down walls.

Colleen said...

April, thank you for your comment. I have not heard that song but I will find it online and listen to it. Thanks for telling me about it.

Paul from Mind Parts said...

Congratulations on making the choice to tear down the walls. This is a challenge that not many are able to follow through on. Bravo for you!

Colleen said...

Paul, thank you. The problem is I keep putting some of them back up! But at least I am working on it eh? Thanks for dropping in!