Thursday, November 12, 2009

Empty Spaces

Holidays. They will be upon us soon. I have such mixed feelings. I love them. I really do. No "bah humbug" for me.
But there is this little tiny twinge. Way down deep inside. A twinge of grief. Just a little bit, but there nonetheless.
An empty spot deep in my heart. I feel it. The emptiness. I wish it wasn't there because it reminds me. My father and I are not speaking.
Which is ok really. If we were speaking, he would only be hurting me some more. What bothers me about it though is he is not speaking to me to punish me. Like I did something wrong. All I did was tell the truth. And I forced him to tell the truth.
I often wonder, what must abusers tell themselves in order to live with themselves? How do they make it OK in their heads?
So this Thanksgiving I will not be speaking to my father. And there will be that little twinge. The good thing is, however, that I will not have to worry about making that phone call and get all nervous about what to say. I will not have to play that good little girl.
Instead I can just be me and enjoy my family.
And the twinge will have nothing to do with guilt. Just a little sadness. Sad that he would make the choice he has made. Sad that he would choose to live in such darkness.
As for that empty space in my heart, only one Person can fill it up.
God.

22 comments:

Andrea said...

Rest in your Heavenly Father's arms and enjoy the holidays!
Blessings, andrea

Wanda's Wings said...

It is good that we have God to fill in that empty spot. He is so good to us. This is also a rough time for me.

Colleen said...

Wanda, yes, it is good to have God. I guess holidays makes it harder for us, eh? Blessings!

Colleen said...

Andrea, thank you. Resting in His arms sounds like what I need. Blessings to you.

Susan Deborah said...

Collen, you have told the truth to him but have you forgiven him? Does he know that you have forgiven him?

Colleen, courage, joy and love to you.

Susan

Colleen said...

Susan, yes, I have forgiven him, many times over the years. And yes, he knows. But he continues to abuse me in an emotional way. So I have decided to protect myself from further harm. It is about time after 50 years of this. Thanks for stopping by and for your blessings of courage, joy and love.

Susan Deborah said...

You have done your part, Collen. Now leave everything our almighty father. he knows and he cares. Just keep praying for him and then one day you will find that only love prevails.

Standing with you and by you.

Love always,
Susan

Colleen said...

Thank you Susan, I appreciate your comments and support. God bless.

Just Be Real said...

It is so wonderful to have a God that does replinish us. Fill up the nooks and crannies of our lives. You did your end dear one. My blessings and prayers to you dear Colleen.

Patricia Singleton said...

I have learned to concentrate on the loving family and friends that I do have during the holidays. Play more and laugh more and enjoy yourself. Do more of the things that you enjoy doing during the holidays and they will be over before you know it and you won't have given much thought to the abusers. Have a glorious holiday season.

Colleen said...

JBR, thank you for your supportive remarks

Patricia, I like the idea of playing and laughing more. Thanks.

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Colleen said...

Anonymous, thanks for stopping by and for your kind comments! I appreciate it. Blessings.

Lisa Marie said...

Oh the twinge.. it is all too familiar. I am glad you are going to be able to enjoy being with your family and not having to put on that "be a good little girl" front. The holidays are one day at a time, just like the rest of the year. Don't try to figure them out all at once!

Colleen said...

Lisa Marie, thank you! One day at a time - Good advice! And yes, it will be nice to just be me. Blessings!

Marj aka Thriver said...

I'm starting to feel the holiday twinge myself. I just spoke briefly about it with my therapist today. But, it is, indeed, a relief not to have to play that good little girl anymore, isn't it?

Either of these last two posts would be so great for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. We survivors need this kind of hope and balanced look at things. Could you submit real quick? I'm hosting at my blog Thursday in honor of it being World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. If you're a little late, don't worry, I'll still get your post in. Thanks!

Colleen said...

Marj, thanks so much, I submitted the last two posts!! I lost track of time and didn't know it was time yet!!
Thanks for your comment. I am glad to know I am not alone with that twinge. but you are right, a relief to not play the good little girl.

sarah said...

I understand your twinge and I send you a ton of hugs. Have a great thanksgiving. Sarah

Shen said...

I know about that little twinge. It's hard. You are brave and are working hard. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and enjoy all that you DO have.

And I think you're right about God

Colleen said...

Sarah, thank you for the hugs!

Shen, thank you. Yes, that twinge is hard. At least it comes and goes. I like the going part.

Happy Thanksgiving to you both!

Patricia Singleton said...

Christmas is always worse for me and I know with the help of my family of choice I will get through it and I will be in a good place. Thanks for sharing this.

Colleen said...

Patricia, I like how you put it - your family of choice. How "free-ing" that sounds. Blessings!