Thursday, December 3, 2009

Refusing to be a Victim

For Thanksgiving, my father sent my sister and my older son an e-card but not one to me nor to my younger son. Mind you, I could care less about getting an e-card. I am more concerned about my son (who says that he does not care either).
What bothers me is that my father is involving my son in what is a problem between my father and me. Yes, my son did not invite him to his wedding. But it was for me that he made that decision.
I mean, does it not make sense that a son would not want anything to do with a man who had abused his mother? I mean, let's get real.
I want to be free of my father's abuse and manipulation. I won't go back to an unhealthy relationship where I am the little girl who feels that she has to be good in order to be loved; where good is defined as toeing the line and doing whatever daddy wants. Especially keeping silent.
What my father fails to realize ~ what he has never understood and what I finally realize he will probably never understand ~ he cannot hurt me any worse than he did when he sexually abused me for years. 
No cards and letters coming? That is fine with me. I am relieved actually. No more pretending.
I will not be his victim any more. I will keep my self-esteem and I will live my life the way I want to live it.
Free.

6 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Amen Colleen! Very encouraging post. Keep your ground, you are not a victim anymore. Free indeed!

Sorry that your younger son has to take some of the brunt because of your father.

Thank you dear for posting. Also, love your Christmas theme. That reindeer is cute. Blessings and hugs....

Andrea said...

AMEN! I totally get it. I have been in your shoes...guess I still am. I have chosen not to let it affect me and thankfully, my children seem to have turned out without harm b/c of those actions.
Blessings and prayers, andrea

Susan Deborah said...

Hey Colleen: What a lovely background. Feels so very Christmasy.

I liked the way you have signed your post: "Free." This shows that you have resolved to make it. I am so glad for you. Realise and affirm that we are more than conquerors. The one who is in us is greater than one who is in this world. The circumstances tries to bog us down and make us feel like victims BUT don't ever listen to that voice.

Standing by you through our prayers and positivity.

Joy and victory always,
Susan

sarah said...

I'm sorry Colleen, sorry you and your son have to live with this kind of crazy.....A reminder - you are sooo special. your beautiful spirit comes through your writing. Stay strong ok. Praying for you and I love this winter look. Sarah

Colleen said...

JBR, I am sorry too. But I am proud of my son. He has had a happy childhood, a happy life, and he has no qualms with just ignoring my father. He is not caught up with all of that low self-esteem stuff like I am. Praise God. Glad you like my theme. Thanks for your encouragement.

Andrea, thank you for your support and prayers. I am glad that we have both been able to stop the cycle of abuse and our children are doing well. Blessings to you too!

Susan, thank you so much for your comforting words and your encouraging support.

Sarah, thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. You are right about it being crazy. Glad you like my new blog look!

Andrea said...

You have a blog award on arise 2 write.
andrea