Affirmation. I can never seem to get enough. I think I am better but then wham, I get hit with something and I am looking for affirmation all over again.
I didn't get affirmation of my pain for years. Now that my secret is out in the open, things have changed. But if I get any hint of someone not affirming my feelings about anything, I feel that twinge. That little knot of fear in my belly.
I find myself asking that question - am I not allowed to feel this way?
Like there are rules for feeling.
When I was a little girl, my abuser told me that what he did to me didn't hurt. For years I have been thinking I am not supposed to hurt. Of if I hurt, I am supposed to keep it to myself.
Feelings are feelings. We cannot help how we feel. Feelings are not bad or good. What matters is what we do with our feelings.
I am doing better at identifying my feelings. Now I just need to learn to accept them. No matter what anyone else thinks.
Then maybe I can learn to better accept myself.