Sunday, March 21, 2010

Tired of the Darkness

Patricia wrote a beautiful comment to me on my recent post I Cannot Shut Up Anymore. And I thank her because I think it really hit the nail on the head.
I think I am depressed. And I think anger has a lot to do with it. Anger and grief over the way I was treated by my father and stepmother in that wedding crisis last August. I have not let myself feel the feelings, and that just adds to the depression.
And she was right about my not forgiving myself either. I think I feel deep inside like I am responsible for the abuse and for all that I have had to suffer and my family has had to suffer because of my own pain.
And that makes me angry.
April wrote a great comment too - Secrets protect the abuser and we need to protect the potential victims instead. 
That reminded me of why my father could not handle me forcing him to tell my stepmother. He needs the abuse to stay a secret. And I need the secret to come out to help me and other victims and help prevent even more victims. So we can never see eye to eye, until my father can look at it unselfishly for once in his life and see that my telling the secret is not about him at all.
So. I signed up to be a speaker for RAINN. I heard about their speakers' bureau from Amy Sorrell's blog. And I just recently got the word that I have been accepted. I have no idea if and when I will ever speak. But I took the first step. And I feel great about it. Because whenever I speak about incest and help to educate others, I feel as if Jesus is using me to bring a little more light into the world.
I am really tired of the darkness.


Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Oh Colleen what a wonderful opprotunity to be able to speak on behalf of RAINN. All in God's timing when and if He wants to speak. Still, it is very exciting to say the least.

Yes, your father is still very much self-centered and is only thinking about himself.


sarah said...

way to go Colleen....He's definitely using you. sarah

Patricia Singleton said...

Colleen, you are such an inspiration for me too. Congratulations on becoming a speaker for RAINN. That is so exciting.

Your dad's response isn't what you want it to be and it probably never will be. Don't use his response or lack of response to further abuse yourself with blame. The abuse is not your fault. My dad carried his guilt to his grave and never acknowledged what he had done.

Use this time to honor your recovery process and what you are feeling is important. Don't continue to be your dad's victim. You have the courage to overcome and grow through the pain of the abuse.

I appreciate the links. Thank you.

Lily said...

That is so exciting, Colleen! I am proud of you!

The darkness is something that has been heavy on my heart lately, in fact one of my friends and I are talking about the darkness as God created it in Genesis. It's definitely challenging me, but I'm glad to see that positive roads can be taken while facing the darkness.

Colleen said...

JBR, thank you for your encouragement and hugs!

Sarah, thank you.

Patricia, thank you so much for your encouraging words. You are right. I cannot let myself be his victim any more.

Lily, thank you! I think the healing process has 2 sides - the blessing and the curse, the darkness and the light. I think that may be why we often feel like we are on a roller coaster ride!

Paula said...

Colleen, sometimes we need the fedback to see that we have moved on already. That we arent victim anymore, but warrior, traveling the road of receovery. Like mayn of us you own the guilt, shame and responsibilty of the abuser. In time you will return it to him. to where it belongs. he was an adult, you an child. he was responible, you werent. Having worked through teh abuse, Colleen, it is possible to improve, to leave it behind and do deal with the leftover due to teh tools we are learning. Safe warm hugs. I am thinking of you

Colleen said...

Paula, thank you so much. Your support is really appreciated. I thought I had returned the guilt and shame to him .. this wedding thing really opened my eyes to a lot... which is a good thing. Hugs to you!

HeartfeltHeartLook said...

Hi Colleen, I wanted you to know I added your blog as a recommendation on my examiner page. It is at It may not show up right away, but it will. Thanks for all you do. You never know who God will lead to you through this blog. Blessings and a wonderful Holy Week and Easter.

Colleen said...

HeartfeltHeartlook - Thank you! I appreciate that. A blessed Holy Week to you too!