I think I am depressed. And I think anger has a lot to do with it. Anger and grief over the way I was treated by my father and stepmother in that wedding crisis last August. I have not let myself feel the feelings, and that just adds to the depression.
And she was right about my not forgiving myself either. I think I feel deep inside like I am responsible for the abuse and for all that I have had to suffer and my family has had to suffer because of my own pain.
And that makes me angry.
April wrote a great comment too - Secrets protect the abuser and we need to protect the potential victims instead.
That reminded me of why my father could not handle me forcing him to tell my stepmother. He needs the abuse to stay a secret. And I need the secret to come out to help me and other victims and help prevent even more victims. So we can never see eye to eye, until my father can look at it unselfishly for once in his life and see that my telling the secret is not about him at all.
So. I signed up to be a speaker for RAINN. I heard about their speakers' bureau from Amy Sorrell's blog. And I just recently got the word that I have been accepted. I have no idea if and when I will ever speak. But I took the first step. And I feel great about it. Because whenever I speak about incest and help to educate others, I feel as if Jesus is using me to bring a little more light into the world.
I am really tired of the darkness.