Monday, April 12, 2010

This Healing Stuff

Enola who is hosting April's Blog Carnival asks the question - what does "healed" look like to you? I have pondered this question. Here are some thoughts:

I am healed when...
1. I can think about my childhood and remember all the good and none of the bad.
2. I can think about my father and not feel angry or afraid. I can forgive him once and for all. And truly let go of all that has gone before.
3. I can read others' stories of their abuse and feel compassion for them and pray for them and try to help them, but they do not trigger any kind of flashbacks or old feelings that threaten to engulf me.
4. All of the long term effects of the abuse disappear. I have good boundaries, I do not need affirmation from others any more, I take good care of myself, I handle anger well, I am no longer depressed, I am no longer afraid of intimate relationships, I trust others easily, I do not have any guilt issues, I no longer feel the need to please everyone, I no longer feel the need to be perfect in every thing I do, ...  so on and so on ...
5. When I think of the abuse, I feel no more pain.
I could go on and on but let's face it. This kind of outcome seems impossible. I have always believed that I will not not be completely healed this side of heaven. There are too many layers left to heal. Too many layers of pain. Every time I think I might be almost done with this healing stuff, well, guess what? Something zings me!
So I live on this roller coaster ride. I have good days and bad. I live with some quirks or idiosyncrasies that are my way of coping with the past and I forgive myself for them. I try to live in the moment, appreciating the happiness I have now, and try not to think of where that next zinger is going to come from. I try to do what I can to help other survivors and when I am in a bad place, I look for help from them. 
And I live with hope. I believe in hope. It is the hope that comes from God. It is the hope that someday all will be good and God will wipe away the tears from my eyes. Whether it is this side of heaven, or the other side.
So, what does "healed" look like? 
It looks like heaven.

19 comments:

Patricia Singleton said...

Yes, to all of it. My own dream was my zinger this time. It didn't come from any outside source but from inside of me. I am sending you a great big hug for the distance that you have come since I have known you. It really hasn't been very long since we met online.

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Perfectly written from the heart Colleen. I am right there with you. This is a great subject and thought provoking topic. Thank you for sharing you. Blessings and hugs.

Karinann said...

Colleen,
I agree- complete healing does not come this side of heaven. On this side it is God peeling away the layers of the onion, and you know what happens when we peel an onion- tears often come- may they be healing tears! Thanks for sharing.
Hugs & Blessings!

Colleen said...

Patricia, amazing how those zingers can even come from us. Thank you so much for the hug and the encouragement you have always given me. And it is nice to know I have progressed some! Hard to tell myself. Hugs and blessings!

JBR, thank you. Glad you liked it and found it thought provoking. Thanks for all your support since I have been blogging. Hugs and blessings!

Karinann, that is a great analogy -the peeling onion causing tears! Yes, I need healing tears! Thanks for being my blogging buddy. Hugs and blessings!

Lily said...

What a great list. I'm saving this so I can work on my own list. I think it will be really helpful to sit down and think about exactly what i want healing to look like!

Colleen said...

Lily, thanks for stopping by! I am glad my list will help you in thinking of your own. I agree that this can be really helpful to us. Hugs.

sarah said...

healed to me isn't not remembering any of the bad...it's remembering but not feeling the sting. And I think abuse changes who you are and who you become. I agree that total healing won't come this side of heaven. Stay strong. Sarah

Colleen said...

Sarah, I agree with you. I think that abuse murders the person we were supposed to become. We will never know that real "me." Blessings!

DarleneOuimet said...

I love this post! This is absoloutly how I know that I am okay now too. Iam so glad that I stopped by today to catch up!
Have a great day! Darlene

Colleen said...

Thank you Darlene! I am glad you stopped by too! Blessings!

Paula said...

Hmm, I wont become the one I was supposed to be? Well. I see it different (again ;-). If the person I was supposed to become a different one, well then she still would have good sides and less good sides. The person I am now is for sure different, but different doesnt mean worse or bad! Not at all! i have still very bad days, yet I have a compassion for myself and others I doubt I would have otherwise, I have a determination, energy and will power I might not have without all the things which happenend to me. And the one I will become? Well, I have an idea how I would like to be but then is it really only ME deciding on it? Whatever I will become it will be for a short period of time anyway as change is given. Let go and let it happen. AND: Keep in open mind. Hugs to you

Colleen said...

Paula, thanks for your comment. Hope all is well with you! Hugs.

Patricia Singleton said...

It is so good to be able to look at your journey and see the areas that no longer cause you pain and to see the areas that you still need to work on. Progress not perfection is an Al-Anon slogan that I really like to remind myself of occasionally.

From Tracie said...

Amen and Yes to everything you said!

I think my full healing will come in heaven, but until the I cling to the hope that God offers.

Colleen said...

Patricia, I like that slogan. Thank you!

Tracie, thank you for your comment. Hugs and prayers!

Marj aka Thriver said...

This post reminds me that I still have a way to go with my own healing (triggers are still a problem and others on your list). But, I have already come a long way. We all have. My wish is that we can all feel at peace wherever it is we find ourselves along the path of healing. Thanks so much for this honest, heart-felt post, Colleen. And thanks for letting us use it for THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I so appreciate your continued support of it.

Colleen said...

Thank you Marj. Thank you for all you do and your encouragement. I like your wish for all to feel peace. And yes, we all have come a long way. Amazing, isn't it? Hugs.

Enola said...

Great post. Thanks for answering the question and thanks for sharing this with the blog carnival.

Colleen said...

Thank you Enola! Loved your question and you did a great job hosting!