Sunday, November 28, 2010

Am I Invisible?

Sometimes I would just rather be invisible. I would rather others not notice me so I can blend in. I do not like being the center of attention.
But how about when I go somewhere and I am ignored and I did not want to be ignored?
Sometimes I know it is just me and my own insecurities. BUT sometimes it really is that way. 
Do other people make me feel invisible or do I make myself feel invisible? Or can it be both?
One day recently I went to someone's house and I felt like no one cared about me or whether I was there or not. I felt like I could have come in and out without anyone really noticing. 
And then I realized. I was invisible. Only a few people knew I was present. I said Hello to everyone but only a few noticed.
And I felt very sad. Very sad.
And I cried myself to sleep like I was a little girl.
When I was a little girl, I was being hurt and no one noticed. I was invisible. And now it seems that feeling can come right back without my expecting it.
The difference is, this time, I can do something about it. I can tell myself that I am not invisible. I can refuse to allow others to make me feel invisible. I can refuse to go places where I feel invisible.
In other words, I can be good to me. I can be my own best friend.

18 comments:

Lily said...

Oh Colleen, I know exactly how you feel. There are times where all I want to be is invisible, and times where I just want someone to notice I'm not. It's such a weird dynamic to have to struggle with, but I understand completely. You are so right that we are now equipped to do something about it, unlike when we were children in the same situation.

Colleen said...

Lily, thank you so much. It helps to know I am not alone in this feeling. You said it better than I did and you are right - it is a weird dynamic.

Just Be Real said...

Colleen, I am so very sorry. I am glad that you wrote about this, because this explains a lot to me how I feel as well. It certainly does still hurt when we are ignored and then for me at least, feel even more unworthy. (((((Colleen))))

Colleen said...

JBR, thank you. I am glad I wrote about it too because both you and Lily have helped me feel better, knowing I am not alone. And it explains a lot to me too! We all learned something here! Hugs to you too! ((((JBR))))

Owner of Homeschool Faith and Family Life Website said...

Although I can not fathom the pains and suffering and struggles that come with surviving the horrendous abuses you endured in your youth...I do wish to try to encourage you when these feelings hit...that you are never invisible to HIM WHO LOVES YOU MOST...I am so sorry that you were made to feel so unwelcomed in another's home...and I assure you, I would DELIGHT in your company if you could ever visit my house!
Just as you can now be your own best friend...we who are you blogging friends can also tell you, "You ARE noticed Colleen...and you are CHERISHED as well".

Colleen said...

Judy, you are just so sweet. You are always encouraging me and I so appreciate it. Thank you for such lovely words and for being one of my blogging friends. You have already helped to make a difference in my life. God bless you!

Donna M Torbico said...

Hi Colleen, I've had so many mixed experiences with this, my whole life.
I'm a 'sensitive' Pisces, an extrovert & love to be helpful.
Dad was a preacher & I was forced, by mom, to perform in church like a 'dancing bear' from age 3 thru' high school - singing, reciting, paying the accordion, & being perfect. Yuck!

Since then, often times when I'm in a group of familiar people I'm still mostly or completely ignored, not because I'm INvisible, but because my presence / energy ?? seems to make people uncomfortable. I've been told it's my emotional intensity - even when I don't say a word! Also, being 'deep' may be admired but it's not popular. :)

Even after 35 yrs of recovery, being diss'ed is still painful! I always have to talk to my Little Girl, who was constantly punished for talking too much & asking too many questions - while at the same time being emotionally ignored!

And I do what I can - I go up to people & just listen, move on to someone who's standing alone, or leave.

I've recently written about several of the points you mentioned here.
Thank you for all you posts. I've also recommended this blog to some clients.

Colleen said...

Donna, thank you for sharing and for recommending my blog. If what I write helps some people, it does my heart good and I heal a little more. Hugs!

From Tracie said...

I have gone back and forth on the invisibility thing so many times, longing to be seen....staying as far in the shadows as possible...feeling hurt when I'm not seen. It often feels like a viscous cycle.

I love how you said that being good to yourself means that you can be your own best friend and not put yourself in those positions where you find yourself invisible.

Thanks for submitting this to the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse!

Colleen said...

Thank you Tracie! I appreciate your comment. Many of us must struggle with this. Hugs!

Clueless said...

Colleen,

I really related to what you wrote. I was invisible then, but now I am trying not to be when it is my first place to go. You explained it beautifully.

Colleen said...

Clueless, thank you for your comment. I too am trying not to be invisible. Blogging helps don't you think?

Clueless said...

Colleen,

Yes, blogging is of tremdous help. It helps me to just be who I am and put myself out there which is so different than being invisible. My therapist also said that my beginning to blog was a significant turning point in my therapy. Take care.

Colleen said...

I think blogging is good therapy.

Marj aka Thriver said...

This is such an important issue for survivors. Thanks for sharing it with us for the blog carnival, Colleen. For me, the issue of being invisible has also been quite a double-edged sword.

I see you and I am glad you are here! *hugs*

Colleen said...

Marj, thank you. Since I first started blogging you have been so supportive. I see you, too. Hugs.

Pastor Sharon said...

I remember feeling invisible as the daughter of the pastor of my father's church for two years after I survived being raped by a member of our church.

It was the most devastating feeling I had to deal with.

Colleen, you are very real. You are not invisible here. Thank you so much for speaking up!

Colleen said...

Pastor Sharon, thank you for your words of comfort. I have to keep telling myself that. That I am real. I know how you felt too. Hugs.