It finally hit me today. Out of the blue (does anything ever really come out of the blue??)
Anyway, my father and I have not been talking for the past year and a half. He was actually the first one to stop talking but I still found a way to feel guilty about the whole thing. Especially at Christmas time.
I declared my freedom from him and everything, but still I felt this little pang of guilt .... why do I do this to myself?
Well, Christmas is here again and I was feeling that little nudge of guilt, and a little nudge of sadness really. I mean it is Christmas. Should we not be talking? I was kind of hoping he would contact me or something.
And then it hit me. Here I am, the one who was sexually abused for years, the one who has always tried to be the perfect daughter, and has forgiven him, etc. and he is not talking to ME because I dared to demand that he tell the truth.
I didn't do anything to hurt him. I did not do anything that devastated him for life. I didn't do anything evil or cruel. But he is not talking to me.
This so-called father, who has stopped talking to me and treated me like I was some kind of bad person because all I wanted was to be free from the past, free to tell the truth, free to help other survivors.... This father does not deserve to have me for a daughter. Period.
Not at all.
I DID NOTHING WRONG.
HE is the child molester.
I refuse to give him any more power to hurt me. I just refuse.
The guilt just disappeared.
He does not deserve me.