Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Out of the Blue

It finally hit me today. Out of the blue (does anything ever really come out of the blue??)
Anyway, my father and I have not been talking for the past year and a half. He was actually the first one to stop talking but I still found a way to feel guilty about the whole thing. Especially at Christmas time.
I declared my freedom from him and everything, but still I felt this little pang of guilt .... why do I do this to myself?
Well, Christmas is here again and I was feeling that little nudge of guilt, and a little nudge of sadness really. I mean it is Christmas. Should we not be talking? I was kind of hoping he would contact me or something.
And then it hit me. Here I am, the one who was sexually abused for years, the one who has always tried to be the perfect daughter, and has forgiven him, etc. and he is not talking to ME because I dared to demand that he tell the truth.
Really.
I didn't do anything to hurt him. I did not do anything that devastated him for life. I didn't do anything evil or cruel. But he is not talking to me.
Really.
This so-called father, who has stopped talking to me and treated me like I was some kind of bad person because all I wanted was to be free from the past, free to tell the truth, free to help other survivors.... This father does not deserve to have me for a daughter. Period. 
Not at all.
Because...
I DID NOTHING WRONG.
HE is the child molester. 
I refuse to give him any more power to hurt me. I just refuse.
The guilt just disappeared.
He does not deserve me. 

12 comments:

Just Be Real said...

Amen Colleen! You Did Nothing Wrong! (((((Colleen))))

Colleen said...

JBR, thank you. Hugs back to you!((((JBR))))

Patricia Singleton said...

Sometimes it feels really good to get mad because you deserve to be treated better. Doesn't it. You deserve to have a father that treats you with love and respect. Your father does neither so you are right. He doesn't deserve to have a wonderful, loving, caring daughter like you. It isn't you that can't handle the truth. It is your father. It saddens me that he is missing out on so much by his choice. He isn't a happy man and he never will be until he faces the truth about what he did.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Many hugs are being sent your way.

Colleen said...

Patricia, your words are very comforting. Thanks so much. Merry Christmas and hugs back to you!

Just Be Real said...

♥♥♥Merry Christmas♥♥♥

Colleen said...

JBR, Merry Christmas!

sarah said...

Merry Christmas...hope it's the best....

Colleen said...

Thank you Sarah! Merry Christmas!

Just Be Real said...

Colleen, hope you were able to get through Christmas alright. Blessings.

Colleen said...

JBr, yes, I did! Thank you! Must have been your hugs! :)

spoildchld said...

i've just read this post now...a year later. Let me just say i completely understand what you are/were feeling. That man was your father biologically only. He didn't really parent you/protect you. Please protect yourself from him and from the guilt. You're RIGHT! You did nothing wrong. God has blessed you and I believe he will continue to do that. Thank you for your complete honesty. Keep sharing!

Colleen said...

spoildchld, thank you so much! I needed to hear that! Guess it was meant to be that you read this today! Hugs!