Saturday, July 16, 2011

How Do I Feel Today?

Since I tend to bury my feelings, every once in awhile I need to check out how I am feeling and seeing myself. Feel free to join me. I know I am not alone with this.
How do I feel right now? Angry. I feel angry that by trying to heal, trying to help other survivors by writing my book, I am again victimized by my father with his silence. My stepmother and father do not speak or write or contact me. When will I ever come first to my father? Never, I guess.
In a way I feel free, but I have to say. It is all a puzzle to me. And if I think too much about it, I feel angry.
But I also feel stubborn. I have no intention of letting their silence turn me into feeling like a victim again. Just won't do it.
How do I see myself today? I see myself as OK. I see myself as loved by God.
What do I like about myself today? That I can express my anger. And feel OK about me.
How do I think or hope God sees me today? I hope that God sees me as his daughter who has tried to help others who carry the cross I carry. I hope God is proud of me. In any case, I know He loves me.


Lily said...

This is a hard exercise to do, at least for me. It seems so easy to take a look at your day and analyze how you are feeling, but it brings up some hard things sometimes. Good for you for doing this!

Colleen said...

Thank you Lily. It is hard for me too. I often do not even know how I am feeling. But it helps me to be "real."

Colleen said...

Hi, Colleen,
I have mixed emotions reading this. Sadness that you are still negatively impacted by this man's silence, even if it is momentary anger and determination to not be further victimized. And I guess another sadness that so many years have passed and there is is not yet conversion for him, or maybe it is in progress, but very much hidden from view?
Then I have anger too. I am angry at that part of the abuser that cooperated to commit, and repeatedly commit this abuse on children, even on their own children. If I were cold and logical, which I pray I never become, but if I were it would seem a similar path for the soul to take. To turn down a path devoid of the moral clarity to protect, love, and cherish the innocent life of the child entrusted to you is very similar to the path devoid of humility, sorrow for sin, and seeking of making reparation and pleading for forgiveness. Both are so dark . . .

Colleen said...

Thank you for your comment, Colleen. I appreciate it very much. It helps me to know that people care how i feel.
I too feel sad. But I have given up thinking he will change. I pray for him, of course. And I hope. Anything is possible with God.

Clueless said...

It is great that you do a check in with yourself which means that you are present to the here and now.

I too am struggling with accepting that my mother will not change and that I need to let go of what I want from here.

Colleen said...

Clueless, oh gosh, I know how you feel. It is hard to accept and let go. Thanks for your support.