Surviving by Grace

Someone Listened

2011-12-09T23:47:00.000-05:00

A father was arrested for sexually abusing his daughter. She had been abused since age 7 and she is middle school age now. It was the headline for the local news tonight and they did a whole story on child sexual abuse and the statistics and the signs to watch out for.
I was so happy to see the reporting of this incident. I wonder what will happen if some victims see this.
I wonder what would have happened if I had seen something like this on the news.
Would I have reported my father? At the very least, I would have known I was not alone.
There is hope. I sense it. There is hope. With all of the abuse stories coming out lately - Penn State and sports organizations and before this, the Catholic Church, people are now listening. People are paying attention and getting educated.
It is coming out of the dark.
I am so relieved that this girl was listened to and helped. Hopefully she will get therapy, and she will do better than a lot of us who carried our secret into adulthood.
We have a long way to go, but there is hope.
Someone listened.

2011-11-16T22:24:00.000-05:00

I saw this video today and wanted to share it with you all. A lot of what Fr. Martin says makes sense. In fact I recognized my father in his description of the narcissist.

Wondering Out Loud

2011-11-11T01:59:00.000-05:00

I am wondering ...

how that boy who was sexually molested in the shower room at Penn State about 10 years ago is doing now?

how does he feel seeing the riots and protests at the school over the firing of the football coach who failed to protect him or call the police?

I am wondering ...

why a football coach who is supposed to be dedicated to the care and welfare of children would not worry about this kid who was abused by one of the former coaches and do more about it?

why the assistant who witnessed the abuse did not stop it right then and there? Why did he not rescue that boy? Why did he not call the police?

I am wondering ...

knowing the horrible statistics of child sexual abuse - somewhere between 8 to 20% - and knowing that over 70% of all reported sexual assaults occur to children 17 years old and under,

why is no one rioting on college campuses about THAT?

God Gave me Back My Innocence

2011-09-28T00:43:00.000-04:00

I always felt like my father stole my innocence.
But I no longer think that is true.
He stole it, yes.
But God gave it back to me. To Him, I am always his beloved child. Innocent because he made me that way. Innocent as a newborn babe.
Thank you, Lord.

Hang on to Hope

2011-09-12T21:06:00.000-04:00

My sister is in the hospital. I ask for prayers. She has physical issues and emotional issues. She is a fighter. We both are. But she has a harder time. And so she needs more help. More prayers.

Please pray for her to feel better and to hang on to hope. Sometimes that is all we have.

2011-09-02T02:01:00.000-04:00

I have not been posting much but I am feeling a bit needy. Vacation has helped a lot. Less stress. But still, a lot going on. Do not want to say much about it now. But just want to put something out there. And let you know I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Sometimes just touching base and saying hello helps.

Grace

2011-08-29T15:09:00.000-04:00

"...where sin increased, grace overflowed all the more." (Romans 5:20)

The note in the bible on this verse says that "Paul declares that grace outmatches productivity of more sin." Interesting verse to contemplate.
I was sexually abused by my father for years. That memory blocks out most of any good memories I have of my childhood. But I DO remember my love for God and church at an early age.
We did not talk much about God at home. I remember saying grace before meals and a prayer at bedtime. I remember walking to church by myself on those Sundays when my parents slept late. I remember singing in the youth choir.
I especially remember getting my first bible from our minister at about the age of 7. My love for that bible was such a comfort to me that I still have it over 50 years later.
Did God's grace increase because of the sin in my home? Did God make me more aware of His presence at such a young age, knowing I needed that grace to get through each day? My spiritual director once suggested that this was probably so.
A friend of mine says that when she thinks of grace, she often thinks of rain pouring down from above. Now I think of the same thing. Grace falling down on us like a steady rain.
What a beautiful thought.
Oh Lord, please continue to drench me with your grace.

For Those Who Never Sing

2011-07-28T23:14:00.002-04:00

Alas for those who never sing, but die with their music within them. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

I read this quote the other day and my heart broke. Tears came to my eyes as I thought about the music that many of us carry within us and never sing.

I thought of myself and other survivors of child sexual abuse. So many of us never sing. Never.

Child sexual abuse causes a kind of soul death, a slow dying deep inside. I know survivors who have never sung their song. I know their pain and I see it in their faces. I fear that my sister may be one of these people. She suffers too much.

Victims of child sexual abuse have no power. They have a song to sing and no one to listen to them.

Will anyone stand up for the children?

This post inspired by yet another story of yet another bishop who failed to protect his lambs. Check out this US Catholic story.

How Do I Feel Today?

2011-07-16T20:20:00.000-04:00

Since I tend to bury my feelings, every once in awhile I need to check out how I am feeling and seeing myself. Feel free to join me. I know I am not alone with this.
How do I feel right now? Angry. I feel angry that by trying to heal, trying to help other survivors by writing my book, I am again victimized by my father with his silence. My stepmother and father do not speak or write or contact me. When will I ever come first to my father? Never, I guess.
In a way I feel free, but I have to say. It is all a puzzle to me. And if I think too much about it, I feel angry.
But I also feel stubborn. I have no intention of letting their silence turn me into feeling like a victim again. Just won't do it.
How do I see myself today? I see myself as OK. I see myself as loved by God.
What do I like about myself today? That I can express my anger. And feel OK about me.
How do I think or hope God sees me today? I hope that God sees me as his daughter who has tried to help others who carry the cross I carry. I hope God is proud of me. In any case, I know He loves me.

Breaking the Secret

2011-07-16T20:13:00.000-04:00

I have posted this quote before. I needed to read it again so I am sharing it with you all.

Sue Blume, author of Secret Survivors, writes:

Families often turn against the adult incest survivor who breaks the secret….enormous conflict accompanies this truth and the psyche fights it through attacking its messenger. They are protecting themselves in a more fundamental way. Incest often occurs through the generations. So do secrets, including the secrets we keep from ourselves. …if the “closeness” that she risks losing by telling is a closeness that was bought with her silence, it is built on a lie. She cannot trust it. She may live an illusion of family intimacy, but what she sacrifices for the label of “family” is any sense of trust, security, or honesty…. No perpetrator stops on his own. In breaking the secret, she has, finally, the power to break the chain. pp. 71-74

Let Freedom Ring

2011-07-04T00:01:00.002-04:00

First published in 2009, I re-post this every year in memory of my own independence day.

I am now declaring my independence from all who abuse me.

So many people advised me today to back off and separate from my abusers. And so I did.
So many people advised me today to take care of myself and my inner child. And so I am.
My sister said it was time to embrace those who care. And so it is.
I am often so good at being in denial. I am often trying so hard to be the good little girl, trying to please my abuser, trying to be perfect so he won't get mad at me, trying to do the "right thing." But through the crisis of this past week or so, I have discovered that is there is another way to be. And that is free.
There is freedom in truth and freedom in being real. There is freedom in being true to oneself. There is freedom in love. The honest kind of love.The real kind that makes us whole, the kind that does not tear us apart.
My eyes are wide open and I am seeing something I thought I would never see. I am seeing the truth. Truth has invaded my family. And those who want it or need it are thriving. Living free. And those who need to hide from it are in the dark, toxic to me and to others.

And so I will stick with Truth and Love and Freedom. That will be my flag.

Let freedom ring.
image source

I Am Never Going to Shut Up

2011-06-28T00:57:00.000-04:00

I have been doing pretty well. I even survived Father's Day better than usual.

But a few things happened recently that have started to trigger some feelings and I thought I better write.

What is it about writing that helps me? That helps so many of us who blog about this? A kind of purging perhaps?

I just know that the more often I tell my story, the better I feel. Perhaps each time I tell my story it is like a cleansing. Or maybe it is like finally saying No to all who say and have said I need to keep quiet.

We can only end sexual abuse of children by talking about it.

So why do some people still want us to shut up?

Let's get one thing clear - all of you who wish to ignore me -
I am never going to shut up.

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other

2011-06-11T14:10:00.000-04:00

I have not been here for so long. I think it is an indication that I am doing pretty well. I have my moments. But that is all they are - moments.

I have not had the desire to stop blogging here. I leave it open because one never knows. Writing through my pain and problems is so healing. I want to keep this avenue open.

I love the blogging community as well. The support that I give and have received is all part of the healing journey I am on. I need to remind myself that it is not all about me. I want to support all of you as well. I am so grateful for all the support I have received from you.

So I am still here. Quiet for now but here. Praying for all of you as we all put one foot in front of the other. Toward healing and wholeness.

An Obstacle to Healing

2011-04-23T15:05:00.000-04:00

Just when you think people finally "get it," someone comes along and reminds you that you still have a long way to go.

I have this strong call to educate people on child sexual abuse and the long term effects of the abuse on the victim/survivor. And when I think a particular group is ready, I go for it.

To see them back up in fear, to see them shake their heads like I am out of line, to hear them quickly change the subject, only serves to hurt me and perpetuate the effects on me.

That feeling of not being heard.

That feeling of not being worthy enough.

That feeling of being dismissed.

Why do people keep doing that?

Supposedly smart people are ignorant when it comes to this subject. The worst part? They don't know it. To me, that is more dangerous than the ones who know they don't know.

For those who really care, not just with lip service, but know they do not know, please read this older post of mine on how to help a survivor. It may help you to help someone who hurts so much but never tells you.

For other survivors, if you have anything to add to this list, please let me know by commenting on this blog post!

Not Again

2011-03-25T07:29:00.000-04:00

Philadelphia.

More accusations of child sexual abuse by priests. More cover up.

Reminds me of another Lent. 2002. Boston. Such a nightmare.

Please, Lord. Not again.

When will it be over?

I feel sick. Then I feel scared. Then I feel angry.

I want to write about it but I can hardly get the words out. So all I can seem to do is to get my thoughts out. One word. Two words.

A prayer.

Jesus, we need your Light. We need your Love. Hold the children in your loving embrace. Hold us all. Heal us. Love us. Give us the strength to do what is right and what is needed. Give us the courage to speak out for survivors of child sexual abuse. Send us shepherds who will care for the lambs and protect them. Bring us all out of the darkness into your Light of truth and love.

Amen.

I Am Still Here

2011-02-18T11:43:00.000-05:00

I didn't really want to write a post that explains why I have not posted, but well, here I am.

Lately I have been focused on my website and my other blog. However, I love this blogging community and I love my friends that I have met here. I do not want to lose touch, but I am afraid I already have with some. I understand. We need to have some give and take here.

I believe that writing, sharing our experiences of pain, our journey, our 2 steps forward and 3 steps backward - all of this is healing.

Sharing it, getting feedback, knowing we are not alone ... that is so important and something I still want.

And no one understands me and what I have gone through and what I still struggle with, better than other survivors.

So I am still here. I am still thinking of you. And praying for you, too.
Hugs.

Learning to Love Myself

2011-01-13T23:16:00.000-05:00

It is a new year and everyone has been blogging about what their word will be for this year.

Word?

It is supposed to be a word that one can focus on all year to help us grow or learn, etc. I came up with one last year and promptly forgot about focusing on it. Now I do not even remember what the word was!

Well, I am willing to try again. What I would like to focus on is - self-love.

Not self-ish love. Self-love.

I would like to be kinder to me. To treat myself like my own best friend. To love the person I am, the person God created me to be.

It will be a challenge, but one worth trying.

What do you think? Do you have a WORD for the new year?

December Blog Carnival

2011-01-02T22:57:00.000-05:00

December Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up at From Tracie blog.

Great submission there. Be sure to check them out!

Out of the Blue

2010-12-22T00:42:00.000-05:00

It finally hit me today. Out of the blue (does anything ever really come out of the blue??)

Anyway, my father and I have not been talking for the past year and a half. He was actually the first one to stop talking but I still found a way to feel guilty about the whole thing. Especially at Christmas time.

I declared my freedom from him and everything, but still I felt this little pang of guilt .... why do I do this to myself?

Well, Christmas is here again and I was feeling that little nudge of guilt, and a little nudge of sadness really. I mean it is Christmas. Should we not be talking? I was kind of hoping he would contact me or something.

And then it hit me. Here I am, the one who was sexually abused for years, the one who has always tried to be the perfect daughter, and has forgiven him, etc. and he is not talking to ME because I dared to demand that he tell the truth.

Really.

I didn't do anything to hurt him. I did not do anything that devastated him for life. I didn't do anything evil or cruel. But he is not talking to me.

Really.

This so-called father, who has stopped talking to me and treated me like I was some kind of bad person because all I wanted was to be free from the past, free to tell the truth, free to help other survivors.... This father does not deserve to have me for a daughter. Period.

Not at all.

Because...

I DID NOTHING WRONG.

HE is the child molester.

I refuse to give him any more power to hurt me. I just refuse.

The guilt just disappeared.

He does not deserve me.

Pity Party Time

2010-12-13T20:43:00.000-05:00

Pity party.

That is the only kind of party I like to throw these days.

Feeling sorry for myself because I don't get enough attention.

Feeling sorry for myself because no one understands me.

Feeling sorry for myself because Christmas is here and Christmas means parties and pretending to be someone I am not.

Feeling sorry for myself because.

Just because.

It's time to throw a different kind of party. Time to stop pretending and just be me.

I would feel better being me. Even being the me who throws myself a pity party a little too often.

At least that is not pretending.

A Definition of Abuse

2010-12-08T21:34:00.000-05:00

Danielle Bean wrote this article for Washington Post about a book (Light of the World: The Pope, the Church and the Signs of the Times) that was a week-long interview with the Pope.

Being Catholic, I was interested to know more about it, but what grabbed my attention in her article was a few quotes from the Pope about the sexual abuse crisis. Here is my favorite:

"It was really almost like the crater of a volcano, out of which suddenly a tremendous cloud of filth came, darkening and soiling everything, so that above all the priesthood suddenly seemed to be a place of shame and every priest was under the suspicion of being one like that too."

Well. Someone finally said it like it is. No glossing over it. A "... cloud of filth came, darkening and soiling everything..."

Evil and filth. That is what child sexual abuse is. There is no getting around it. There is no way to make it look better. No way to gloss it over. No way to "pretty" it up.

Evil and filth.

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, it is comforting to know that there is someone in the Church who sees it for what it is.

Evil and filth.

Thank you, Il Papa. (Pope)

How to Help a Survivor

2010-12-01T00:11:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time (October 2009!) since I created this page and so many of you contributed to it. Just wondering if there are any more thoughts to add to this list!?!
Thanks to all who contribute and to all who read this list!

Am I Invisible?

2010-11-28T00:54:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I would just rather be invisible. I would rather others not notice me so I can blend in. I do not like being the center of attention.

But how about when I go somewhere and I am ignored and I did not want to be ignored?

Sometimes I know it is just me and my own insecurities. BUT sometimes it really is that way.

Do other people make me feel invisible or do I make myself feel invisible? Or can it be both?

One day recently I went to someone's house and I felt like no one cared about me or whether I was there or not. I felt like I could have come in and out without anyone really noticing.

And then I realized. I was invisible. Only a few people knew I was present. I said Hello to everyone but only a few noticed.

And I felt very sad. Very sad.

And I cried myself to sleep like I was a little girl.

When I was a little girl, I was being hurt and no one noticed. I was invisible. And now it seems that feeling can come right back without my expecting it.

The difference is, this time, I can do something about it. I can tell myself that I am not invisible. I can refuse to allow others to make me feel invisible. I can refuse to go places where I feel invisible.

In other words, I can be good to me. I can be my own best friend.

Self Acceptance

2010-11-05T17:53:00.000-04:00

Holidays are a difficult time of year. I love them and I cannot wait til they are over. A lot of pressure at times. I are expected to be someone other than who I am.

This year I am feeling less pressure though. I am feeling freedom from burdens placed on me by some people. Honestly, the only person that I still felt like I needed to please was my father. But no longer.

If my father wants nothing to do with me, then so be it. It is like he has released me from the prison he put me in. I no longer need to perform or act like everything is great between us. I no longer need to pretend that he is a good father.

I can just be me. Whoever I am at that moment.

And I can accept being me.

Thank goodness.

Peace Disturbed

2010-10-23T00:11:00.000-04:00

My inner peace has been disturbed. Not sure why. I know I need to pay attention to what is going on.
When that inner peace disappears, where does it go? How do we find it again?
I pray. It helps. But still, I wonder. Where does peace go when it is no longer with us?
And why does it leave?

WHAMO!

2010-09-25T14:38:00.000-04:00

You never know what is going to be a "trigger." I can be living my daily life, minding my own business, thinking everything is fine and maybe I am done with those triggers that stir things up from my past.

Then - WHAMO!

Out of the blue some seemingly little thing or offhand remark does it. And I am sent back into my shell, worried and scared and sad and tense.

Well, today it happened. WHAMO!

I cannot go into details here but it is a minor little thing. Still, it has me on edge and it has me thinking no one loves me and everyone is mad at me and it is all my fault. Everything is all my fault. Like I have some kind of power to make things happen.

Why do I feel responsible for the whole universe?

Why do I feel guilty?

Now I think I need to fix everything.

Sigh.

Fear

2010-09-10T18:36:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy all week, writing my talks for a retreat at my parish this weekend. I will be witnessing about being an incest survivor. That always brings up stuff.

Interesting enough, my second talk will be on fear and how God carries us through our fears. I realize that I have lived my whole life in fear.

But 1 John 4:18 says - "Perfect love drives out fear." The perfect love of God has helped me deal with the fears.

How else could I stand up and talk about all of this?

Anniversary of My Book

2010-09-01T20:25:00.000-04:00

This is the 2nd anniversary of the publication of my book! Be sure to head over to my other blog to see the book sale I have going on!

Vacation

2010-08-29T17:11:00.000-04:00

I have been on vacation for the past two weeks. I had plenty of rest and plenty of fun and missed you all!

Learning to let myself have fun is a struggle for me but I was able to do that this summer. What a blessing!

Visit my other blog to learn about the angels that God sent me!

How Do I Feel Today?

2010-08-16T20:21:00.001-04:00

Since I tend to bury my feelings, every once in awhile I need to check out how I am feeling and seeing myself. Feel free to join me. I know I am not alone with this.
How do I feel right now? Feeling good about letting go of my father, knowing I wish him well and pray for him but also knowing that, in order to take good care of me, I need to just let him go and feel no guilt. So for today anyway, I feel no guilt. Is that a feeling? Content or at peace may be a better way of putting it.
How do I see myself today? I see myself as OK.
What do I like about myself today? Today started off rainy and depressing and ruined some of my plans but I was able to talk myself out of feeling sorry for myself. No pity party.
How do I think or hope God sees me today? I hope that God sees me as a loving person - His loving daughter - and pleased that I didn't have a pity party today.
And really, I KNOW, He loves me.

Inner Storm

2010-08-09T21:20:00.000-04:00

Have you ever felt like a storm was coming? Not the outdoors kind of storm, but the kind that builds up within you. You hear the rumbling, you sense the darkness, you see some clouds.

Inner turmoil.

I am not sure why, but there is a storm brewing inside of me. A little fear, some anxiety. It is there, just beneath the surface.

Maureen Brady writes in her book, Daybreak, Meditations for Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse, that she once heard a survivor of child sexual abuse say at a survivors' meeting - "My incest is bothering me today."

I think that is the perfect thing to say when I am not sure why I am having so much inner disturbance.

My incest is bothering me today.

And it makes me feel like I am not in control. I feel like a victim.

But the good news is - I know what I need to do. I need to pay attention to whatever is bothering me, take care of my inner child... be good to me.

Then maybe the sun will come out.

Great News!

2010-08-03T20:32:00.001-04:00

Great news!! I am very excited!
My book - The Third Floor Window - has just been listed with iBooks!! So if you have an iPhone or iPad or iTouch, you can buy the book for $8.99 through iTunes! You can even get a free sample!
Pretty cool.

Feeling Blue

2010-07-26T23:42:00.000-04:00

So I am just going through my days, feeling pretty good about my life.

I have a new grandson - (I am already crazy about him!)

Work is going OK.

Just saw my youngest son who traveled to see his new nephew.

Life is good. Or it seems to be.

And then I wake up one day and I just feel lousy. Depressed. Weepy. No obvious reason. Just a dark cloud hanging over me.

Sigh.

Usually I try to ignore these little "blue" periods. Pity parties I call them. But I think this time I will really pay attention to me. I will pay attention to my feelings. I will honor them. I will care for myself.

I will let myself feel what I feel. I will be kind to me.

Then when the blues are over, I will let go and get on with things.

Sounds like a plan.

July Blog Carnival

2010-07-25T15:08:00.000-04:00

July 2010 Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up! Great submissions. The theme this month is the theme of Independence! Check it out!

How Am I Feeling Today?

2010-07-20T21:21:00.000-04:00

Since I tend to bury my feelings, every once in awhile I need to check out how I am feeling and seeing myself.
How do I feel right now? Disorganized (is that a feeling?) Maybe I would be better off saying I feel anxious. Why? I don't know.
How do I see myself today? I see myself as tired and anxious and discombobulated (I like that word.)
What do I like about myself today? I just got done recording a talk that I want to put on the internet for my Catholic website that I am working on. I feel happy about that. No anxiety really.
How do I think or hope God sees me today? My talk was on God's unconditional love for us and I witnessed about being a survivor (is that why I feel anxious? hmmmmm...)
I am reminded of how much God loves me and I need not be anxious. Just give it all to Him. I read somewhere that we are God's happiness.
I like that.

Longing to Be Free

2010-07-08T00:02:00.000-04:00

Some thoughts I have been having lately...

ONE

"Long after the offenses are over and in the past, we who have been violated in childhood by sexual abuse carry with us an internal monologue that goes on discouraging us and tearing us down as we attempt to reconstruct and heal in our recovery." - Maureen Brady, Daybreak: Meditations for Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse.

Oh, yes. Those inner tapes we play in our heads over and over. Those inner tapes that were recorded in our childhood - those hurtful things that were said and done making us feel like we were not good, we were not valued, we were not loved.

Now I am trying to make new tapes. In these tapes I am telling myself that I am a person of value. I am a person worthy of love and respect.

I am tired of being torn down by those inner tapes. I want to make new ones.

TWO
My spiritual director, a very wise man, taught me that I need to stop saying "I should." Like...

I should have done a better job with that.
I should not have said that.
I should have said yes when she asked me to do that.

I would often use that phrase when I was tearing myself down in some way. He showed me how that phrase was hurting my self image. Now whenever I hear myself say I should - an alarm goes off in my head and I stop and check out what I was saying and what I really meant.

For example - maybe I would have LIKED to have done a better job writing that speech. That doesn't mean I did a bad job and it doesn't mean that I am a bad person because it was not as good as I wanted it to be. To say I should have done a better job is beating up on myself and giving myself the wrong message.

Learning this has helped me tremendously and so I pass it on to you.

THREE

"When I was abused, I took on my abuser's shame. I became accustomed to feeling badly about myself whenever something did not go smoothly or successfully." - Maureen Brady, Daybreak: Meditations for Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse.

Shame. It did a number on me. It contributes to that internal monologue that is harmful. It contributes to my perfectionism.But the shame is not my shame. It does not belong to me.

FOUR
“Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.” - St. Francis de Sales

I found this recently. What a message. I have struggled with perfectionism most of my life, but I don't think St. Francis is talking about that.
Trying to be perfect for others - trying to be perfect so I will be loved by others - there is nothing free about that.

But to be me. And to accept myself as I am... that sounds like the kind of freedom I have been seeking.

Let Freedom Ring!

2010-06-30T16:22:00.001-04:00

Last summer was a summer of many surprises, joys and crises all mixed together! It was also the summer that I declared my independence from my abuser. It was right around the 4th of July so it has been a year already! I decided I would post it again, just in case it might help someone who has not read it and might be in a place where he/she needs it.
Happy Fourth of July to you all!

I am now declaring my independence from all who abuse me.

And so I will stick with Truth and Love and Freedom. That will be my flag.

Let freedom ring.
image source

It's A Boy!!!

2010-06-25T19:44:00.000-04:00

I am sorry I have not been here for a long time! But I have good news! My new grandson! Here is a copy of my blog post on my Catholic blog. I wanted to share these pictures with you all.

Words are not enough.

How Do I Feel Today?

2010-06-13T13:42:00.000-04:00

Since I tend to bury my feelings, every once in awhile I need to check out how I am feeling and seeing myself.
How do I feel right now? Sad and anxious.
How do I see myself today? I see myself as tired and a bit needy.
What do I like about myself today? I like that I am noticing how I am feeling and identifying the feelings. I know why I am tired but I do not know why I am feeling a bit needy. I am resisting the urge to go buy myself something to make myself feel better. I do that sometimes.
How do I think or hope God sees me today? I think that God sees me as His precious child who needs Him. And He is urging me to pay attention to that child within. The child He created with love.

All is Well

2010-06-05T01:47:00.000-04:00

I have been away on vacation. I am back now and all is well with me. I visited my youngest son and his wife and they are doing well. So happy for them. So proud of them. I blogged on my other blog about the contentment I felt after visiting them and the realization that I have truly broken the cycle of abuse, that I can feel content about being a mother. That I have been part of something life-giving and healthy and loving.
Hugs to all.

Learning to Play

2010-05-28T11:00:00.001-04:00

I have not done a lot of inner child work. A little here and there. I can always tell when my inner child needs some attention however. Whenever I bring a stuffed animal to bed with me, I am usually feeling afraid of something at that point.

What has been a big thing for me and my inner child is play. I stopped playing years ago when the abuse started and still to this day, I have a hard time playing.
Maureen Brady writes in Daybreak, Meditations for Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse writes that "In an abusive family the child's playful spirit becomes hidden, a requirement for its survival."

For years I wasn't sure my playful spirit had survived. I always had a hard time knowing how to play with my boys where they were little. I really thought something was wrong with me or I was a bad mother.

Then I went to an incest support group meeting. And a woman was rejoicing that she went out to fly a kite with her children and she actually had fun! Everyone was congratulating her and I realized that I was not alone. That was the first time I realized the healing benefits of going to a support group.

So I kept working at learning how to play, with my children and for my own fun!
I still struggle. I still do not know how to let my hair down and just have fun. But when it does happen, I enjoy it and I feel that deep sense of joy.

Maureen Brady writes - "Just for today I trust that the world will not fall apart because I choose to play."
Amen.

Another Book Review

2010-05-27T23:15:00.000-04:00

Another blogging friend, Mary from A Beautiful Gate, has written about my book. She wrote such beautiful words which you may find so healing. And she relates a healing of her own! Thank you, Mary.
(I am almost ready with another post so please do not think I am only writing about book reviews these days! However, I do hope that you see how telling our stories is very healing for us and educational as well as healing for others! Hugs!)

Book Review

2010-05-26T22:18:00.000-04:00

My blogging friend, Karinann, has written a review of my book, The Third Floor Window. Go to her blog at Daughter of the King. It is a great review, well written and really brings out the message of my book.

Thank you, Karinann.

Good Riddance to Pretending

2010-05-20T00:14:00.000-04:00

Pretense.

I have spent a large part of my life pretending.

I pretended to be happy when I wasn't. I pretended to be pain-free when I wasn't. I pretended my family life was normal and healthy and safe, which it wasn't.

In fact, I was so good at pretending that I was even able to convince myself that my father was the best father a girl could have! I really believed it!

These days I am learning to be me. It isn't easy. I fall back into pretending quite easily. Or I just withdraw so I do not have to show my feelings or thoughts. But then sometimes, I catch myself doing that. And I become real again.

I practice checking out my feelings. Like right now - I am feeling anxious and sad. I do not know why. I just take one step at a time. One day at a time.

Maureen Brady writes in her book, Daybreak, Meditations for Women Survivors of Sexual Abuse, that she practices in the mirror, "taking a look at my anger, my sadness, my joy. It feels good to say good riddance to pretending."

And in another entry, Ms. Brady writes, "I allow myself to be exactly how I am."

Amen.

I Will Be

2010-05-16T23:00:00.004-04:00

I just discovered this song called I Will Be, sung by Wynonna Judd, on a TV show tonight. I looked up the lyrics and they had a lot say to me. Hope they speak to you too. (Lyrics below)

I Will Be

by Tanya Leah / Bob Farrell

Been caught in a downpour

of a rain of stones

Felt like an exile in the

world I had known

So I sought the shelter of my own soul

And stayed inside

I found no comfort in placing blame

I saw the hope that lay

just beyond the pain

The past is a prison and I

won't wear those chains

And I won't hide, oh no

[Chorus]

I will be here

I will be strong

I'll face my fears

When the night is long

And still go on

I will be brave

I will be bold

Follow my faith

To a higher road

And I'm not there yet

But I will be

I could choose to keep my feet

upon the beaten path

Never cross the open field

for the one snake in the

grass

But I'd rather risk my heart

then never get the chance

To find my way, to find my way

[Repeat Chorus]

This and That

2010-05-10T20:28:00.000-04:00

Just Be Real has posted a video called Baggage at her blog. Patricia Singleton also posted about it. The video is well done and the posts by these two bloggers are very good as well. I really cannot add much to their comments but wanted to let you know about them.

I too have carried a lot of baggage as many of us have. Sometimes I carry more than other times. Sometimes I carry too much and other times I put them all at Jesus' feet. I think it is part of that roller coaster healing journey I am on - many of us are on.

Patricia Singleton also did a radio interview about being an incest survivor. She did a great job with this interview so you might want to check it out.

Making Ourselves Real

2010-05-01T17:05:00.000-04:00

Thomas Merton wrote - We make ourselves real by telling the truth.

I think in my struggle to be real it is telling the truth, my truth, that has helped me the most.
No more pretending. No more escaping (or should I say I try not to escape). Coming out of the closet - telling the secret - makes me learn more about myself, who I am. I have covered ME up for so long.

So I comment on some news items about the abuse crisis in the Catholic Church and I explain why we survivors take so long to tell the truth, why we hide from it for so long, and I think it helps. Some people really listen and ask questions.

I am calming down a bit. Less stressed about the ongoing news of clergy sexual abuse scandal. I listen to the news and discuss with hubby. Then I try to let go, relax, let my blood pressure go down to a normal setting.

I am still disappointed in the lack of understanding and compassion of people for survivors and why we take so long to tell the secret.
In the meantime, all I can do is keep trying to be Real. Keep trying to share my truth. And try to listen as well to others who are struggling to be real.

Becoming real takes a long time, especially for those of us who think we break easily. It is a daily struggle. It will take the rest of my life at least. But perhaps just recognizing that I am on the journey to becoming real is a way of being real. And I find some comfort in that. (from The Third Floor Window)

What Does Real Love Look Like?

2010-04-28T00:01:00.000-04:00

What does real love look like?

Love looks like a friend of over 50 years who sends a beautiful birthday card and writes her own words about how much I mean to her.

Love looks like 2 sons who call me on my birthday in the middle of their busy work day and make me laugh and reminisce about their childhoods.

Love looks like my husband who made me one of my favorite meals for my birthday and made me his first birthday cake ever and I thought it was the most beautiful cake I have ever seen.

This may seem silly to some. After all I am a grown woman. Why get all sentimental over birthday cards and phone calls?

The thing is, I grew up being told by my father he loved me and then he abused me. I got mixed messages and was pretty confused about what love really meant.

But I am learning that it is often about the little things. Like the time that people take to let you know they care.

I grew up not knowing what real love looked like. But I am learning to care for myself and I am learning what real love is and who I can trust and who I can let into my heart. It is a slow process.

But I am learning about love, a little at a time.

Maybe it is a sign of healing, seeing and thinking about what real love looks like.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for loving me and for helping me to see. Thank you for the people you have put in my life who really love me.

What does real love look like to you?

Book Giveaway

2010-04-27T21:22:00.000-04:00

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Prevention of Child Abuse Month. (It also happens to be my birthday month.) This seems to be a good time to give away one of my books. Perhaps you or someone you know could be helped by my story.You can enter to win my book, The Third Floor Window, by posting about this giveaway on your blog. Then link to this post and leave a comment below. If you do not have a blog, just leave a comment. There will be two winners! Contest ends midnight May 6.

Important Links

2010-04-23T13:57:00.002-04:00

Irish bishop resigning in Vatican move against abuse! Read news report here!

April Blog Carnival up!! Theme is Along the Path to Healing!

A Mass for Victims

2010-04-22T00:03:00.000-04:00

I went to a Catholic Mass today for victims of child abuse. It was all about the victims, praying for our healing, praying for our needs. No excuses about recent scandals in the church. Just praying for us survivors.

It was beautiful.

And I felt some peace today, for the first time in days.
Thank you, Lord.

Does Anyone Get It?

2010-04-21T01:31:00.000-04:00

I watched Oprah. She had on her show the actress Monique's brother (Monique was in the movie Precious which I have not seen yet). Monique said her brother had molested her when she was 7. Monique did not come on the show. I can understand why.

I found that the show depressed me. Upset me even. The brother, while admitting to the abuse, and stating that he had been abused also, just cannot understand why Monique had to make it public and why she called him a monster. After all, he said, they used to get along just fine.

Another brother could not understand her either. The parents wondered why she had to air the dirty laundry. They were struggling to understand. Obviously the whole family is hurting.

But they were in such a state of denial. They went on and on about what a close family they had been and why was Monique bringing it up now? They just didn't get it.

Monique has not seen her brother in a long time nor her parents in a few years. She did not want to come on the show with her family. Obviously she is struggling and hurting. But they do not see that. They see someone who has upset the apple cart.

I am beginning to wonder if anyone in this world really gets it. Does anyone out there who was not molested understand why we survivors spend years pretending everything is OK until finally we deal with it and all this hurt and pain and anger come out?

Why do they think we are called survivors?!?!? We have come through a world of hurt and we have done the best we could. We were little children, and we coped the best we could cope until we finally had to deal with this stuff inside our head and our hearts and that pain that keeps coming back now and again.

Child sexual abuse has been talked about a lot in recent years. A lot on Oprah that is for sure. Does anyone really listen?

Does anyone really get it? Other than you and me. Anyone?

Time to Speak

2010-04-16T21:52:00.000-04:00

FYI - I have written a post on my Catholic blog about the recent controversy in the Catholic church regarding child sexual abuse by priests. It is called Time to Speak.

New PSA from RAINN

2010-04-16T14:48:00.003-04:00

I have recently signed up to be a speaker for RAINN - Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network. RAINN has just launched a new public service campaign. Please see video and press release below. The video is excellent!

(Washington, DC) - RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization, today is launching a new celebrity-driven campaign to make sure survivors of child sexual abuse get the help that they deserve. “This campaign is very timely,” noted Katherine Hull, RAINN’s vice president for communications. “The tremendous news coverage recently of these crimes against children has the potential to trigger flashbacks and difficult memories for survivors of child sexual abuse. That’s why it’s critical that we reach these individuals to let them know that it’s never too late to get help.”

The campaign spots feature RAINN’s national spokeswoman, actress Christina Ricci, alongside actors Kevin Bacon, Dylan McDermott, and actress Gabrielle Union. This latest initiative was formed in partnership with director and filmmaker Amy Berg, who was nominated for an Academy Award for her documentary film, “Deliver Us From Evil,” which explored child sexual abuse. The campaign also features music from hit singer-songwriter Ray LaMontagne.

“The majority of child sexual abuse victims know their attacker, and the effects of this crime can last a lifetime as many victims keep the pain inside for far too long and never get the help they need,” said Berg, director of the campaign spots. The new campaign aims to get the message out to child sexual abuse victims that it’s never too late to reach out for help; help is available through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines. According to Berg, “It is clear we need to do more to protect and help our children. It is especially important to tell children that they do not have to keep their abusers’ secret.”

Every two minutes, another American is sexually assaulted; nearly half of all victims are under the age of 18. It’s estimated that there are over 20 million survivors of sexual assault in the U.S. The effects of this crime on victims are staggering; survivors who do not get help following sexual abuse are at a higher risk for suffering from grave mental health issues such as PTSD, depression, drug and alcohol abuse, and feelings of guilt, shame, and anger.

RAINN’s child sexual abuse public service announcements, “The Secret” and “Living in Fear,” are available for free public and private use across broadcast and digital platforms. To learn more about RAINN’s latest campaign and to view the public service announcement spots, visit RAINN's YouTube Channel. To incorporate RAINN’s PSAs digitally, use the “embed” code from YouTube. HD broadcast quality versions of the PSAs, can be directly downloaded from the RAINN website.

If you or someone you know has been sexually abused, please know that the abuse is not your fault and that it’s never too late to get help. If you’re being sexually abused, or have been in the past, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE) or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline at rainn.org to talk to someone who understands what you are going through.

RAINN would like to extend a very special thanks to John C. Manly and Bart Dalton, who made this campaign possible thanks to their generosity and their dedication to eradicating child sexual abuse.

RAINN would also like to thank each and every person who was involved with the production of this PSA who donated his or her time, creativity, and talent. It’s only because of your support that this public service announcement

This Healing Stuff

2010-04-12T23:47:00.000-04:00

Enola who is hosting April's Blog Carnival asks the question - what does "healed" look like to you? I have pondered this question. Here are some thoughts:

I am healed when...

1. I can think about my childhood and remember all the good and none of the bad.

2. I can think about my father and not feel angry or afraid. I can forgive him once and for all. And truly let go of all that has gone before.

3. I can read others' stories of their abuse and feel compassion for them and pray for them and try to help them, but they do not trigger any kind of flashbacks or old feelings that threaten to engulf me.

4. All of the long term effects of the abuse disappear. I have good boundaries, I do not need affirmation from others any more, I take good care of myself, I handle anger well, I am no longer depressed, I am no longer afraid of intimate relationships, I trust others easily, I do not have any guilt issues, I no longer feel the need to please everyone, I no longer feel the need to be perfect in every thing I do, ... so on and so on ...

5. When I think of the abuse, I feel no more pain.

I could go on and on but let's face it. This kind of outcome seems impossible. I have always believed that I will not not be completely healed this side of heaven. There are too many layers left to heal. Too many layers of pain. Every time I think I might be almost done with this healing stuff, well, guess what? Something zings me!

So I live on this roller coaster ride. I have good days and bad. I live with some quirks or idiosyncrasies that are my way of coping with the past and I forgive myself for them. I try to live in the moment, appreciating the happiness I have now, and try not to think of where that next zinger is going to come from. I try to do what I can to help other survivors and when I am in a bad place, I look for help from them.

And I live with hope. I believe in hope. It is the hope that comes from God. It is the hope that someday all will be good and God will wipe away the tears from my eyes. Whether it is this side of heaven, or the other side.

So, what does "healed" look like?

It looks like heaven.

April Blog Carnival

2010-04-12T20:38:00.000-04:00

The April Blog Carnival is accepting submissions. They are due by April 21st. This year's theme is about the journey to healing. Read about it here.

April Child Abuse Awareness Month

2010-04-11T16:29:00.000-04:00

Did you know April is Child Abuse Awareness Month? I have been reading the blog, Picture of Experience. The author is doing a series of articles on child sexual abuse. Here is one on statistics. If you can handle some of this reading, it is very informative and well done.

We Need Truth

2010-04-10T00:47:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Julie at Concerned for Life, I read an eye-opening article that included a letter by the priest who was a judge in the case of the Father Murphy that has been part of the newest controversy about sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic church. I feel much better after reading this.

My view of Pope Benedict in reference to the clergy sexual abuse scandals affecting this country and others has been of one who has been kind and caring. He has apologized to the victims, which was a moment of healing for me. I read his letter to the victims of Ireland and found it to be so healing, a reaching out to them with love and care. I feel that our Pope has been a true shepherd, longing to help heal Jesus' lambs.

Child sexual abuse in all of society is a major problem. What really angers me, is that the victim often gets forgotten as some people try to follow their own agendas in this. There have been many reporters who have reported honestly on the scandals in the church. Indeed, back in 2002, they helped bring out the abuse and cover-up going on in this country. But there have been others who seem to just want to stir the pot and create news.

We survivors of abuse need TRUTH. We have lived with our own secrets for too long. Stop using us to further your own agendas.

Home-Sick

2010-04-07T11:37:00.000-04:00

I am home sick. I have the flu. The flu in April. What fun.

Being sick reminds me of my childhood when I would be sick, and stay home from school, and my mother would give me ginger ale and chicken soup and we would watch TV together. I Love Lucy was a favorite!

I do not have many fond memories of my childhood but this is one of them. I felt nurtured and cared for and my father left me alone when I was sick. It was a "safe" time for me.

Now I am adult and I am learning to take care of myself and when I am sick, I drink ginger ale and eat chicken soup and watch old shows on TV. And I feel comforted by that.

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T20:55:00.000-04:00

Christian Glitter by www.christianglitter.com

Boundaries

2010-03-28T22:53:00.000-04:00

This quote is from a book called Boundaries, When to Say Yes, When to Say No - by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend - "To continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change."

This gave me more confirmation that separating myself from my father is a good thing. Two of the key words for me were "sustained change." My father has not shown me sustained change. He gives lip service to it. But does not live it. I used to believe him. I don't any more. I guess I am now guarding my heart. Or learning to.

This quote made me feel better. Something I needed to hear. So I figure if I needed to hear it maybe some of you needed to hear it too.

I know I have had boundary issues but as I begin to read this book, I am finding out more and more what those issues are!

RAINN Video

2010-03-25T21:16:00.000-04:00

In this short video, Otep Shamaya inspires survivors to reach out for help through RAINN"s hotline. I do not know about her but she is evidently a rising star in the heavy metal music. RAINN is the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network and is asking us to spread the word about this video.

Tired of the Darkness

2010-03-21T14:13:00.000-04:00

Patricia wrote a beautiful comment to me on my recent post I Cannot Shut Up Anymore. And I thank her because I think it really hit the nail on the head.

I think I am depressed. And I think anger has a lot to do with it. Anger and grief over the way I was treated by my father and stepmother in that wedding crisis last August. I have not let myself feel the feelings, and that just adds to the depression.

And she was right about my not forgiving myself either. I think I feel deep inside like I am responsible for the abuse and for all that I have had to suffer and my family has had to suffer because of my own pain.

And that makes me angry.

April wrote a great comment too - Secrets protect the abuser and we need to protect the potential victims instead.

That reminded me of why my father could not handle me forcing him to tell my stepmother. He needs the abuse to stay a secret. And I need the secret to come out to help me and other victims and help prevent even more victims. So we can never see eye to eye, until my father can look at it unselfishly for once in his life and see that my telling the secret is not about him at all.

So. I signed up to be a speaker for RAINN. I heard about their speakers' bureau from Amy Sorrell's blog. And I just recently got the word that I have been accepted. I have no idea if and when I will ever speak. But I took the first step. And I feel great about it. Because whenever I speak about incest and help to educate others, I feel as if Jesus is using me to bring a little more light into the world.

I am really tired of the darkness.

He Knows My Name

2010-03-15T00:05:00.002-04:00

On my Catholic blog, I participate in a meme called Music Monday. We share songs we find. Well, this Monday I am posting a song called He Knows My Name, sung by Maranatha. It is such a powerful message for me and I thought it may be good for other survivors as well. So here it is. I hope you enjoy.

I Cannot Shut Up Anymore

2010-03-14T00:41:00.001-05:00

For years, I have tried to be the "good little girl." Keep the secret, do whatever my father says, don't make waves. But last August, when I needed him to step up to the plate and be a real father and tell my stepmother about the abuse, he kept stalling. When I kept pushing him to tell her, he finally told her and then they both turned on me.
If I were the "good little girl", and kept the secret, if I would just shut up, then everything would be OK. For my father.

But it wouldn't be OK for me. I cannot shut up anymore. I have to help bring light into the world. I have to fight the darkness.

Since this happened, I have been trying to make sense of it all. But I can't. So I just must accept it as it is. And forgive.
But I know I cannot let my father into my life any more unless I can trust that he will take good care of my feelings and pain.
This quote from Sue Blume has helped me understand better what happens in families when we survivors tell our secret. Maybe it will help you, too. (I found it on Amy Sorrells' blog):
Sue Blume, author of Secret Survivors, writes:

Families often turn against the adult incest survivor who breaks the secret….enormous conflict accompanies this truth and the psyche fights it through attacking its messenger. They are protecting themselves in a more fundamental way. Incest often occurs through the generations. So do secrets, including the secrets we keep from ourselves. …if the “closeness” that she risks losing by telling is a closeness that was bought with her silence, it is built on a lie. She cannot trust it. She may live an illusion of family intimacy, but what she sacrifices for the label of “family” is any sense of trust, security, or honesty…. No perpetrator stops on his own. In breaking the secret, she has, finally, the power to break the chain. pp. 71-74

Fears and Boundaries

2010-03-08T16:03:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted much recently. Partly due to being very busy. Partly due to avoiding things. Like how I am feeling these days.

I am struggling with boundaries so bought a book about it. Will let you know more as I get into it. I realized that I needed to pay more attention to boundaries after I allowed someone to tell me how I was feeling. Don't you just hate that? And yet, I said nothing, as I felt myself crying within.

Patricia of Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker has posted a few excellent articles on fear and I know that is an issue of mine lately as well. I find that a lot of my old fears pop up once in awhile. Here is the short list:

1. Fear of not being needed.

2. Fear of not being good enough.

3. Fear of being lonely.

4. Fear of rejection.

5. Fear of making mistakes.

They are all kind of related to each other. All having to do with what others think of me.

How about you? What are some of your fears?

Love can Bring Us Life

2010-02-26T01:35:00.001-05:00

I finally watched it.

Oprah Winfrey interviewed 4 child molesters a few weeks ago. I taped it but it took me 3 weeks to get up enough nerve to watch it. I figured it would be filled with "triggers." It was.

But there was one moment when I knew I was glad that I watched it. Oprah asked them if they knew what damage they had caused their victims. And one man said - I killed the person she could have been.

My eyes filled with tears. Finally someone said it. Someone said what I have always known. I had been murdered.

For years now, I have been trying to come back to life. I don't think I will ever be the person I was meant to be, the person I was before the abuse started.

But today I live. Today I am alive.

Because Jesus is loving me back to life.

Are There Rules for Feelings?

2010-02-24T23:17:00.000-05:00

Affirmation. I can never seem to get enough. I think I am better but then wham, I get hit with something and I am looking for affirmation all over again.

I didn't get affirmation of my pain for years. Now that my secret is out in the open, things have changed. But if I get any hint of someone not affirming my feelings about anything, I feel that twinge. That little knot of fear in my belly.

I find myself asking that question - am I not allowed to feel this way?

Like there are rules for feeling.

When I was a little girl, my abuser told me that what he did to me didn't hurt. For years I have been thinking I am not supposed to hurt. Of if I hurt, I am supposed to keep it to myself.

Feelings are feelings. We cannot help how we feel. Feelings are not bad or good. What matters is what we do with our feelings.

I am doing better at identifying my feelings. Now I just need to learn to accept them. No matter what anyone else thinks.

Then maybe I can learn to better accept myself.

February 2010 Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse

2010-02-20T22:43:00.000-05:00

The February 2010 Edition of the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up! This month it is hosted by Issue Knitting. There are posts from many bloggers about child abuse. This month's theme is Birthday but there are posts on other themes as well. Check it out!

An Up and Down Week

2010-02-18T21:59:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week I posted about the best part of my life being my life with my husband. I felt really great.
But this week was also my father's birthday. And try as I might, I could not stop feeling those twinges of sadness. And wishing things were different.
But I have to be REAL. I have to try to live in the present and accept what is. I will keep open to the possibility, but I have to let go of the wishing.

So I prayed for my father, hoping he will someday find healing and wholeness. That somehow made me feel better.

FYI - I have decided to keep a Lenten Journal. In the interest of keeping myself organized, and also because I love blogging, I started a blog just for this journal. It is called, interesting enough, Lenten Journal. (How original.)

I will write whatever I feel called to write. Whenever I feel called to write. A sharing of my journey through Lent. I may write about being a survivor, I may not. It is all about what I am doing or feeling at that moment.

My prayers are with you all.

The Best Part

2010-02-14T23:00:00.000-05:00

I wrote this today because I felt compelled to do so. Because I want to give hope to all who need it.

My husband gave me a beautiful Valentine's Day card yesterday. On the front it said - "You are the best part of the best years of my life."

I loved those words and they stuck with me all day. And later, in the quiet of the night, I realized why. That is exactly how I feel about him.

These ARE the best years of my life. They are the best because I am safe. I am happy. I am free. And, despite what was done to me when I was a little girl, I love and I trust this man of mine.

Oh, I do not feel that way all the time. But I feel that way most of the time. And add that to the fact that I am married to a wonderful man who has always tried to understand me and my pain. Who, even when he did not understand me, trusted and loved me anyway. And always treated me with tender loving care.

It took me years to really trust in his love, but I do now. And I no longer need a Valentine's Day card to know he loves me.

And that is the best part of all.

An Award

2010-02-11T21:10:00.000-05:00

I received this award from Sitka at All God's Creatures! Thank you! Here's "the rules" according to Sitka:

There are lots of rules with many of these awards, but I don't always follow human rules. You can ask my mom! In this case, I am abandoning the rules. I am passing this award to each of my followers. Each of you are special. You must write well, otherwise you would not have a furry follower.

Take this award and post it proudly on your blogs!

We are Children of God

2010-02-08T21:30:00.000-05:00

I did a talk on Saturday for a Day of Prayer. The subject was God's Love and the title of my talk was Cherished by God.

In this talk I share my reflections on how much God loves us and how some of us have a hard time internalizing this so it changes our lives. Especially those of us who have been abused.

Then I witnessed a little about my abuse and about how God has helped me and the people who have helped me.

Then I ended with the story of what happened last summer when my son decided not to invite my father to his wedding.

Here is part of what I said at the end:

God is just crazy about us.
Julian of Norwich wrote - “...we are God’s happiness and God finds endless enjoyment in us, and we shall in him, by his grace.”

And one of my favorite scripture verses on this subject -
Zephaniah 3:17-18The Lord, your God, is in your midst, a mighty savior; He will rejoice over you with gladness, and renew you in his love, He will sing joyfully because of you, as one sings at festivals.

I am starting to make God’s love for me the foundation of my life. I talk about it, I write about it, I encourage those who come to me for spiritual direction.

Kind of like the Samaritan woman. She receives life from Jesus and she goes out to bring this life to others. She goes out to bring others to the well of living water.

God loves us. But there are, however, outside and within us, strong voices that try to tell us something different.

My youngest son, Brian, got married last August. We were so looking forward to the wedding, to celebrate with him his love and his joy.
But there was one small dark cloud hovering over me, hanging out in the back of my mind.
My father.
My son had made the decision not to invite my father. I understood the decision and supported it.
Part of me was relieved. Part of me was scared to death.
Because I knew, it was time. It was finally time to tell the one person in the family who did not know about the sexual abuse. My stepmother.
I had begged my father for years to tell her. But he refused. When my book came out, I begged him again. Did he want her to find out this way? But he refused.
I wanted him to tell her so I would be free of the secret.
I wanted him to tell her so he would also be free. No worrying about her finding out. No more lying and hiding in the dark.
But he wanted me to shut up about it. He was angry that I wrote the book. He was angry that I had told my sons.
He still wanted me to keep the Big Secret that he had forced me to keep as a child.
The secret that was toxic to all of us.
He did not know nor did he want to understand, that telling my Big Secret was a major part of my healing.
Now I was giving him no choice. He had to tell my stepmother the truth because she would wonder why she was not invited to the wedding.
He stalled, he lied, he tried manipulating me. Finally I told him -
You tell her or I will tell her.
And when he told her, she was angry too. Not only at him, but at me and soon, in a scenario that is very common, they both turned on me.
My friends, my sister, my husband, other survivors - they all tried to get me to back away, to separate myself from them. I was being abused again, emotionally and verbally.
Finally I did. I turned away. I cut them out of my life.
And then, I felt guilty. Was I doing the right thing? Would God approve of this?

So I talked to people I knew and trusted.
I spoke to priests. I spoke to friends. I spoke to my husband.

And they all said the same thing to me - Your father is not willing to change, after all these years. You need to protect yourself.

And then I emailed a therapist I know and I will never forget some of the things he wrote to me. He told me that the best thing about all this coming to a head was my son's decision not to invite my father. He said that "... any good son would want to protect his mother. You have a very good son to stand up and do what is right. ... enjoy your son's wedding and the love and respect he has for you.
Remember who your real father is as he will never abuse you...”.
And so, finally free of guilt and grief, I went to the wedding and watched my son enjoy his special day. I could hardly take my eyes off of him, never tiring of watching him smile and dance and hold his bride.
And I felt such deep abiding joy. I felt joy for him and joy for me.
For I knew my son loved me.
And out of love, he had helped to set me free.
And I will never forget the moment when my son took my hand and he whirled me around the dance floor til I got dizzy and all I could do was laugh.
I laughed and I laughed.
I laughed high and long. And it sounded to me like I had a fountain of living water springing up inside of me.
We are people of value.
We are loved and cherished and nourished.

We are the precious children of God.

Is It My Turn To Fly?

2010-02-02T00:05:00.001-05:00

I found this song by Susan Boyle - Who I Was Born to Be - to post on my Catholic blog, Thoughts on Grace. It was Music Monday and the words to this song really touched me.

This is my favorite line -And it feels like my turn to fly

The last verse also moved me deeply -

When I was a child

There were flowers that bloomed in the night

Unafraid to take in the light

Unashamed to have braved the dawn

Imagine being unashamed to brave the dawn ... I might feel that way now. Most of the time. But I didn't as a child ..

But do we see ourselves now as children of God, and we see ourselves as flowers now, blooming in the night, unafraid to take in the light, unashamed to brave the dawn ...

Being brave does not mean you are not afraid. I am sometimes afraid ... even now. I am afraid when I share my story and yet there is an overwhelming need to do so.

Having courage is being afraid and yet going ahead and doing what you need to do or have to do anyway. Living life the best we can.

Here is the song followed by the lyrics:

When I was a child

I could see the wind in the trees

and I heard a song in the breeze

it was there, singing out my name

But I am not a girl

I have known the taste of defeat

and I have finally grown to believe

it will all come around again

And though I may not know the answers

I can finally say I am free

And if the questions led me here, then

I am who I was born to be

And so here am I

Open arms and ready to stand

I've got the world in my hands

And it feels like my turn to fly

And though I may not know the answers

I can finally say I am free

And if the questions led me here, then

I am who I was born to be

When I was a child

There were flowers that bloomed in the night

Unafraid to take in the light

Unashamed to have braved the dawn

And though I may not know the answers

I can finally say I am free

And if the questions led me here, then

I am who I was born to be

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse - January 2010

2010-01-29T17:01:00.000-05:00

January Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up at Mind Parts blog hosted by Paul. Many great posts listed there and I cannot wait to read them. It is a wonderful way to read other blogs you may not have come across and meet other survivors. Thanks Paul for the great job putting them altogether!

Learning to Care for Myself

2010-01-27T20:00:00.002-05:00

Looking at the pictures of survivors on the Let Go Let Peace Come In video, I was reminded of how the pictures of me as a little girl have helped me in my own healing.

As an adult, I would get so angry whenever I heard about the sexual abuse of a child. But I never got angry about my own abuse. Or let me put it this way - I never expressed my anger. I probably internalized it and it came out in other ways.

I read somewhere that survivors of child sexual abuse often feel that they are not worth getting angry over. So many survivors end up in some kind of helping profession - teacher, nurse, etc. - always trying to help others because we could not help ourselves.

So it was suggested that we survivors look at pictures of ourselves as children so we can feel sympathy toward that little one who was hurt so bad and perhaps then be able to express some anger, in a healthy way, of course.

So, one of the pictures I looked at was this one posted here. I saw a cute dog and a cute little girl. There was one thing that bothered me about this picture though. The eyes.

They look sad.

So I got angry. For the first time I expressed some anger about what was done to that little girl. What was done to ME.

And I felt good about that. And I felt compassion for that little girl. And I decided right then and there that I was going to take better care of her. I was going to take better care of me.

I have not always taken good care of myself. But I am getting better at it all the time. I am learning to feel compassion for the little girl that is me.

Taking Care of Myself

2010-01-22T12:45:00.001-05:00

My sister and I have been discussing our health issues lately. Both of us suffer from quite a few problems. (I wish to protect my sister's privacy so will just discuss my specific issues here).

Many of my problems are gynecological and urological issues. Interesting. I read somewhere once that survivors of sexual abuse will often have these problems because of the Secret. It is as if our body is telling the world what our voices can't.

I have never been one who wanted to go to the doctor. I often ignore symptoms, thinking they will go away. I once walked around with a kidney stone for 3 weeks before going to the doctor. He couldn't believe that I was able to wait that long. What he didn't know was that the pain of sexual abuse is much worse than any physical pain. I have always had high pain tolerance.

Another issue is that sense of not thinking I am worth taking care of, so I wait a long time before going to the doctor. I don't want to bother him.
I have not treated my body very well over the years either. My abuser didn't respect my body. So why should I? I used to smoke. I still struggle with overeating. I know I am an emotional eater. No doubt about that.

I am not going to blame my abuser for the fact that I have had kidney stones. But his abuse of my body certainly taught me from an early age that my body was not worth caring for. There was so much pain associated with my body that I wished to ignore it. I am trying to overcome that now. But it is hard to change this overnight.

It took me years to even realize that all of this was happening. Now I try to take better care of myself and to treat myself - my mind and my heart and my body and my soul - with more care. It is not easy. It is still a struggle but one I try to work at, every day.

Let Go Let Peace Come In Video

2010-01-20T20:44:00.007-05:00

Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation has made a video on YouTube to tell people about their foundation and their mission to help adult survivors of sexual abuse. The video is 10 minutes long and gives some of the stats about child sexual abuse. There are also quotes from survivors and some pictures that survivors have submitted to their website including yours truly! My picture is at 6:28 of the video. It is one of the pictures of me as a little girl wtih my dog! The video is well done. So check it out!

An Award

2010-01-16T19:58:00.000-05:00

Lisa at The Hues of My Mind gave me this award - The Beautiful Blogger Award! I appreciate this award very much and I thank Lisa for her kindness. Be sure to check out her blog.

I pass this award on to all my blogging friends who visit this blog and support me and each other. I feel grateful to belong to such a caring and supportive community. Blessings to all!

Just A Twinge

2010-01-12T23:54:00.000-05:00

I watched a beautiful moment on the evening news. A soldier had returned home from Iraq and he surprised his teenage daughter at her school. She jumped into his arms, hugging him and kissing him. She later told the newsman how close she is to her dad and she was so glad to have him home.

It was a good story. Happy news. But I felt that twinge in my heart. I would have loved a relationship like that with my father. Seeing that film makes me feel a bit sad. The moment goes by and I am fine.

But still.
And I wonder, does that longing for a loving, caring daddy ever go away?

My Talk

2010-01-07T00:14:00.000-05:00

My talk on Tuesday went very well. I told my story and had a question and answer period afterward which went very well. It is the first time I have done that and it provided an opportunity to teach more about the effects of the abuse.

I am so amazed. The joy I felt in telling my story. It happens all the time. I wrote about this on my Catholic blog yesterday. It is as if I become this other person. Confident. Self assured. Joyful.

Maybe it is knowing I am doing what God wants me to do.

Maybe it is knowing that a few more people now know more about child sexual abuse and its effects.

Maybe it is knowing that I no longer need to keep this secret.

Maybe it is knowing that I can be the voice for a survivor who is sitting in the audience, who cannot share her/his story.

Doing these talks brings meaning to my life. As I told the women yesterday, I long to bring God's light into the darkness.

So whatever the reason, I am glad I can do this. Even though I become afraid and unsure of myself before my talk (and sometimes after as well), I am truly thankful.

Thank you all for your support and prayers.

Thank you, Lord, for this gift.

Sisters

2010-01-05T00:32:00.000-05:00

Sarah at Writing posted about her sister and their relationship. Reading her post and others' comments made me think about my own sister and how we have dealt with everything over the years.

I am the oldest of 4 children. 2 boys and 2 girls. My sister is 5 years younger than me. When I found out our father had abused her, too, I felt guilty. Should I have known? And should I have done something to protect her? If I had reported my father, then he would not have abused her

But I was only about 9 when he started abusing her. I was just a kid myself, trying to survive. I didn't understand what was being done to me. I was not responsible. It was not my fault.

But still ...

My head understands. My heart, not so much.

My sister and I are different. We have different personalities. We handled the aftermath, the work of healing, the years since the abuse, differently. But we support each other. We understand each other.

And I go to sleep at night, knowing that there is at least one other person in this world who knows exactly how I feel.

Odds and Ends

2010-01-03T18:26:00.000-05:00

I have a speaking engagement on Tuesday, to speak about my book and my life as an incest survivor. Please keep me in your prayers and thoughts!

I am glad to have this opportunity but always get nervous right before I speak. Then once I begin, I calm down and the Holy Spirit carries me through!

I changed the look of my blog. I was tired of the snowman and reindeer (though they were cute). I decided I needed something new, feminine, cheerful. Flowers make me think of new life. And here it is a new year.

So, what do you think?

Why is it, that no matter how often I have spoken about being an incest survivor, I still worry about how people will see me, what they will think of me?

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T01:50:00.001-05:00

image source

Surviving Christmas

2009-12-29T00:25:00.000-05:00

I survived Christmas.

Actually, I did more than survive Christmas. I celebrated Christmas and had a wonderful time. My hubby and I spent the weekend with our two sons and their wives. We just hung out, eating too much, playing games like Monopoly and Trivial Pursuit and Family Feud (no kidding!), talking and laughing. A lot of laughing.

It was fun. No stress. No running around. No time table. Just a loving family.

Oh, I had some moments. Some twinges. Twinges of sadness and grief.

But then I remembered something someone wrote to me recently. Hang out with those who nourish and support you. Stay away from those who are toxic, who hurt you.

I was with my loving husband and sons. I felt loved and respected and cared for and valued. I felt safe and nourished. And I was reminded once again that I have broken the cycle of abuse. There I was with my two sons who are happy and healthy adults. I knew that I must have done something right.

So I said good-bye to the sadness. At least for now. There will be moments when I am alone and I can deal with the feelings then.

But for this moment, I enjoyed the love.

And I said thank you, Jesus.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T00:05:00.004-05:00

Mini Carnival

2009-12-23T23:57:00.000-05:00

Marj at Survivors Can Thrive is having a mini-carnival! You need to go there to check it out! The theme is Holiday Survival Tips for Survivors. It is an excellent collection of posts on how we can survive the holidays! The best part of this is knowing we are not alone!

An Award

2009-12-22T22:01:00.000-05:00

Mike at Rambling Stuff gave me this award!! Thank you, Mike! And the rule is that I need to pass it on to 5 others.

Sarah at Writing

Lisa Marie at Dysfunctional Daze

Patricia at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker

April at The Thriver's Toolbox

Vicki at Here in My World

Dealing with Feeling

2009-12-17T00:01:00.001-05:00

I am depressed. It is time I just face it rather than pretend it isn't there.

It isn't any kind of severe depression. I am just sad. Weepy. I cry at the drop of a hat.

Then I go to visit Patricia's blog at Spiritual Journey of a Lightworker and she writes about feelings and recognizing feelings and releasing feelings,etc. And I know my problem. Or I think I know it.

I am not letting myself feel my feelings. I am stressed out right now and I am resisting my feelings.

A therapist I once saw for a few visits told me that we basically have 4 feelings or a combination of these 4: mad, sad, glad, and afraid. And she told me that I need to practice recognizing these feelings. Stop in the middle of the day, for example, and decide what I am feeling.I do not do it often but sometimes I catch myself thinking about it.

So, what feelings am I feeling today?

I wrote about this a while back. I was writing about being "real."

"In my book I devote a chapter to becoming real. It is so difficult to do as an incest survivor. I have to try to get in touch with my feelings and check myself out from time to time. Often someone else helps with that - my husband is really good at helping me be real. I think asking myself the following questions also helps."

So I think I will ask myself these questions again.

How do I feel right now? Sad. Mad. Afraid.
How do I see myself today?I see myself as a tired woman and stressed and exhausted.

What do I like about myself today?I like that I am writing about this and am doing the best I can to take care of myself - like writing and crying on hubby's shoulder. And going to bed early tonight!

How do I think or hope God sees me today? The same thing I wrote the last time - God sees me as a vulnerable child of his who is needing His love and comfort and healing.

Well, it's a start.

God Desires to Be with Us

2009-12-16T00:01:00.000-05:00

originally posted on my Catholic blog -12/15/09 - Thoughts on Grace - thought it would be a good message for here as well:

Dear Jesus,

I decided to take care of myself this evening. I needed some TLC. So I was kind to me.

It was a busy day at work. Mondays usually are. But I work in a church office and Christmas is 11 days off. That adds up to a pretty crazy day.

I had a bunch of things to do when I got home tonight. A long list as a matter of fact. But I knew I needed some rest. I needed to "de-stress."

So I listened to a meditation about you and started to pray and fell right to sleep in the living room chair. For about an hour! Somehow I do not think that bothers you. "Come to me all who labor, and are burdened, and I will give you rest." (Mt 11:28)

Amen to that.

I woke up feeling a little better, but I did not let myself get into high gear and tackle that to-do list. I have 11 long crazy days ahead of me. Better to rest and be gentle and kind to myself. And I still needed to talk to you some more.

So I am sitting here writing and looking at the lights on my Christmas tree. And when I am finished with this note to you, I will go to bed. But first I want to share this quote I read today.

"No human being has ever desired anything as much as God desires to be with him or her" - Meister Eckhart

So.You love me THAT much?

I cannot really wrap my mind around that. But, my heart accepts it with great joy.

I love you, too.

Goodnight.

Love

My New E-Book

2009-12-15T23:06:00.000-05:00

I have just published my first e-book. The title is Blueberry Muffins, Everyday Stories of God's Love. It is a compilation of several stories previously published in Christian magazines.
You can find out more HERE.

To Be Free

2009-12-14T02:00:00.000-05:00

Read a beautiful poem on Terry Hershey's blog post. Both the post and the poem have the same title - To Be A Child Once Again.
The poem (written by Patty Irons) is short - you need to read the whole thing but it ends with:

"and our souls will be filled with gladness,

like that of a child.
And once again, we shall be free."

I like that last line. Once again, we shall be free.

Is that when we will be free? When we are a child again?
I'm ready for that.

Rambling Thoughts

2009-12-10T00:00:00.000-05:00

Just some things I want to share:

I am doing OK. I am trying to survive the holidays. I am trying to stay away from all the goodies because when I am stressed, I eat. I am going on a diet after Christmas. I need to. Being overweight makes me feel bad about myself. I wish I could just accept myself as I am. Overweight or not.

We need to treat ourselves well, with respect, with compassion. We are children of God. We were made in His image. To mistreat us is to mistreat God.

One of my blogging friends has a beautiful Catholic blog called Daughter of the King. That is who I am. I am more than a survivor. I am a daughter of the King. A beloved daughter of God.

I do not need to be my father's daughter any more. I have a Father. A Father Who loves me the way I am.

Jesus became man so we would know who God the Father is. He became human, because God loves us and God wants us to know how much He loves us, that we have value. If God became one of us, then we must be worth something.

Let us throw ourselves into the ocean of God's goodness, where every failing will be canceled and anxiety turned into love. -St. Paul of the Cross

Refusing to be a Victim

2009-12-03T00:19:00.001-05:00

For Thanksgiving, my father sent my sister and my older son an e-card but not one to me nor to my younger son. Mind you, I could care less about getting an e-card. I am more concerned about my son (who says that he does not care either).

What bothers me is that my father is involving my son in what is a problem between my father and me. Yes, my son did not invite him to his wedding. But it was for me that he made that decision.

I mean, does it not make sense that a son would not want anything to do with a man who had abused his mother? I mean, let's get real.

I want to be free of my father's abuse and manipulation. I won't go back to an unhealthy relationship where I am the little girl who feels that she has to be good in order to be loved; where good is defined as toeing the line and doing whatever daddy wants. Especially keeping silent.

What my father fails to realize ~ what he has never understood and what I finally realize he will probably never understand ~ he cannot hurt me any worse than he did when he sexually abused me for years.

No cards and letters coming? That is fine with me. I am relieved actually. No more pretending.
I will not be his victim any more. I will keep my self-esteem and I will live my life the way I want to live it.
Free.

image source

Thanking God for Me

2009-11-26T01:22:00.000-05:00

Someone commented on one of my blog posts recently that a priest once asked her if she thanked God for creating her. I do not think I have ever done that. I do not think I have even thought for a second about thanking God for creating me.

Today is Thanksgiving Day. Maybe this is a good time to start.

A good time to start seeing myself as a person of value, a person worthy of care and love and understanding. Too often and for too long I have allowed other people to decide what I was worth. I have to stop doing that.

Starting today.

Thank you, Lord, for creating me, a person of value and worth. A person who has been surviving the battle of a lifetime.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me life.

Thank you, for making me - Me.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse - November 2009

2009-11-19T00:16:00.003-05:00

Today is the World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse. The November 2009 Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up! Go check out some of the great posts to read there. 35 posts! Thanks goes to our hostess, Marj aka Thriver, at Survivors Can Thrive!

Empty Spaces

2009-11-12T14:07:00.001-05:00

Holidays. They will be upon us soon. I have such mixed feelings. I love them. I really do. No "bah humbug" for me.

But there is this little tiny twinge. Way down deep inside. A twinge of grief. Just a little bit, but there nonetheless.

An empty spot deep in my heart. I feel it. The emptiness. I wish it wasn't there because it reminds me. My father and I are not speaking.

Which is ok really. If we were speaking, he would only be hurting me some more. What bothers me about it though is he is not speaking to me to punish me. Like I did something wrong. All I did was tell the truth. And I forced him to tell the truth.

I often wonder, what must abusers tell themselves in order to live with themselves? How do they make it OK in their heads?

So this Thanksgiving I will not be speaking to my father. And there will be that little twinge. The good thing is, however, that I will not have to worry about making that phone call and get all nervous about what to say. I will not have to play that good little girl.
Instead I can just be me and enjoy my family.
And the twinge will have nothing to do with guilt. Just a little sadness. Sad that he would make the choice he has made. Sad that he would choose to live in such darkness.

As for that empty space in my heart, only one Person can fill it up.

God.

The Ripple Effect

2009-11-08T23:21:00.001-05:00

There is a saying in the Talmud that I have heard quite a bit lately - “When you save a life you save the world.” And it got me to thinking.
I think about the people who have helped me on my journey to healing. I think of my husband who loves me and has brought laughter into my life. I think of my spiritual director who treats me like I am a special child of God, a person with worth and value. And then there are the friends and fellow survivors who have reached out and touched my life in a healing way.
In many ways, all of these people have saved my life.
And now I am now reaching out to help others who are survivors. I've written a book and I give talks and I write and I tell my story in order to help others who cannot speak.
How many people have been helped because I was helped?

We may not end child abuse in our lifetime. But we can help just one person. And then that one person can help others. One person at a time can turn into many more people. It is that whole ripple effect thing.

And I am not just talking about the ripple effect on other survivors. How about our friends and family who love us and have had to suffer along with us? Our loved ones who have had to deal with the effects the abuse has had on us. Those who have had to live in our roller coaster world of ups and downs. They, too, can be helped if we are helped.

The ripple effect.

Save one life and you save the world.

image source

One Voice

2009-11-03T00:00:00.001-05:00

Whose voice do I listen to?

There are so many voices in this world. So many voices speaking to me, vying for my attention.

There is my own voice. My voice is often self-criticizing, self-doubting, untrusting, worried, angry, and afraid.

There are the voices of the world. These voices are often criticizing, doubting, untrusting, worried, angry and afraid.

There is the voice of my inner child. My inner child's voice is often afraid, lonely, needy, hungry for love.

There is the voice of my abuser - the voice that rejects me, lies to me, scares me.

And then there is the one Voice. The Voice that speaks softly. I must sit still, be silent and listen. There it is. It is the one Voice.

No other voice has these words of Love and Peace and Healing.

One Voice. This voice is loving, tender, caring, encouraging, truthful, forgiving.

I need to listen to only One Voice.

Jesus.

Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is Up

2009-10-30T16:31:00.000-04:00

The October 2009 Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse is up! Go check out some of the great posts to read there. Thanks goes to our hostess, Lynda, at In the Best Interest: Child Advocacy Law.